Thursday, February 26, 2009

Technology Never Lies

Have you ever been asked to be friends on Facebook by someone you hate? And who probably dislikes you back? Why are you asking me to be your friend on Facebook. We are not friends in real life; we hate each other. Or at least I hate you. Perhaps I have given you too much credit in assuming that you would pick up on that. If I don't like you there, in the real world, why would I like you here in this fake world of mine that I create and control. And yet I feel bad about rejecting you. Until I hit the reject button. Then I feel good. The best is when after not hearing back from you for a couple of days they think there has been a technical glitch and they try again. Oh no, my friend: this is no glitch. [whispered]: technology never lies.

"Hey! 'Ts'up? You know how we hate being around each other? I was hoping we could spend more time hating each other."


"Hey! 'Ts'up! I'm a huge tool and...I didn't know that you didn't like me, so... I'm going to go ahead and move on into the pathetic zone. If I don't hear back from you I'll try again in a couple of days."

Can't I just have one moron-free zone in my life. Even if it is only on the Internet. Guess what, man. If I wanted to be friends with an idiot, I'd call you. All the time.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I am fairly certain that some sort of air-borne virus dropped a bunch of acid before infiltrating my body

Yesterday morning at about 4 a.m. I awoke and felt like death. I spent the entire day in bed (save for two horrendous hours during which I was forced to work on assignments that were to be turned in later that evening), bailed on both of my classes, ate 1.5 pieces of toast, died and came back to life (I am pretty sure), had the most horrifying and vivid dreams I have ever had (hence my belief that the virus dropped acid before attacking me), became afraid of everything and every one in my life, feared and hated Ernest Hemingway (one of my current favorites), thought about all of the women who have been in and out of my life in the last few years (and then feared, loved, and hated them from my bed as the acid virus did its work), died and came back to life again, transcended human existence, etc.

Here are some of the dreams I had last night (the longest night of my life) that scared the hell out of me. Keep in mind that I am pretty sure I was awake while I was having these dreams.

1. Moving from my current town back to my hometown. I am pretty sure I had to walk at some point, I don't really remember. But then for some reason I was back in my current town and didn't know anyone. Also, I was always lost. This is where one of my friends from college came in: she had a cousin or something like that who lived in the town and she wanted him to be my friend, or something. I was walking down the street in the dark and a car slowly rolled up behind me. It was him and his friend. When we shook hands, he had a werewolf hand (i.e., furry, with super-long nails). I don't really remember the rest of the dream, except that I was lost the whole time, and that this werewolf-hand guy was supposed to be my guide, but he scared the hell out of me and I wanted to get away from him.

2. Two of my best friends, who have been dating for a few years, broke up. I know that this doesn't really seem like a "scary" dream, but it was. Because it revolved around the girl being absolutely destroyed and the guy not really caring. Sorry to get all sentimental on you. But I was literally trying to cover up the fact that the girl was in such horrible shape...I don't know, it was weird. It was not good. It also involved my Nana's old house and the pool that she had. And throwing frisbees at about a mile per throw.

3. Literally had a dream where this girl that I really like was just making out with another dude. That was it. It was great. Not.

There were a lot of others that I don't really remember right now. The dreams probably don't seem very scary to you, but I actually feel like an entirely different person today because of them (and the whole dying and coming back to life thing). Because literally, since I am pretty sure that I was awake (or at least half-awake) while I was dreaming (hallucinating?) them, I honestly feel like I lived them. And they were all about absolutely horrible experiences.

And I am not kidding when I say that I feel like I died and came back to life. Seriously,

[oh, great. now i am having visions of looking in my bedroom and seeing my own body on the bed. Great.]

this is not a fun virus, this is like a government experiment gone wrong, or something. It's like an air-borne hallucinogen that causes you to want to die. And, maybe, that kills you but then allows you to come back to life.

I also would just like to point out that I have been hallucinating in other aspects of my life besides the dreams. From example, I remember thinking as I was laying in bed this morning that I was "hearing" my brain "shifting."

Have a nice day.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Friday, February 20, 2009

"Paracelsus In Excelsis"

-by Ezra Pound

'Being no longer human, why should I
Pretend humanity or don the frail attire?
Men have I known and men, but never one
Was grown so free an essence, or become
So simply element as what I am.
The mist goes from the mirror and I see.
Behold! the world of forms is swept beneath --
Turmoil grown visible beneath our peace,
And we that are grown formless, rise above --
Fluids intangible that have been men,
We seem as statues round whose high-risen base
Some overflowing river is run mad,
In us alone the element of calm.'


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Owed to W

When the first thing
On the agenda
Of the president
Right after you

Is called
The Big Bailout Package

It means that
You were a very bad president

Does anyone else ever have this problem

The spellcheck/grammarcheck tool on my Microsoft Word has, for the last six months or so, been either:


-getting old and senile/developing Alzheimer's

-in the mood to mess with me


Seriously. Today it is recommending that I change this sentence:

-What does the sign posted at the gates of hell represent to Dante?


What do the sign posted at the gates of hell represent to Dante?

I think my spellcheck/grammarcheck guy has moved to the ghetto and made some new friends.

Stop it,

Sunday, February 15, 2009

McCain and Other Republican Senators Say Obama is Off to Bad Start, Democrat Reminds Them They are Dumb-asses

McCain and some other Republican senators are saying that President Obama is off to a bad start. But, I mean...since McCain and the Republicans got their asses kicked in the elections, shouldn't we all be happy that they are unhappy? I mean, didn't we all kind of decide that their opinions were moronic? And so, doesn't that kind of mean that the things that they want are, by definition, the things that they don't want? And that the things that they don't want are, by definition, the things that we do want? So...shouldn't we all be pretty happy and relieved that they don't think things are going very well right now? Because if they didn't, and they thought that things were going well, that would mean that they weren't going well? Since, you know, they thought that George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Sarah Palin were good ideas? Isn't theirs the political party of the deformed, demented, and insane? Isn't their political party comprised of some of the scariest and ugliest people on the planet? Aren't these the people who ran around the Constitution, started torturing people, lied to start a war, and were (are), in general just dumb?

Forget Democrats vs. Republicans. Let's realign so that it's Smart People vs. Dumb People.

And yes I am happy that the Republicans think that this is not going well because if they thought it was going well that would mean that their ideas would be advancing and ours would be stumbling. It's like that person you know -- maybe you work with him or her or maybe you know him or her socially -- who you just can't stand because he or she is dumb, ignorant, a horrible person, a total whack-job, etc. But some of your other friends are friends with this person, so you interact with him or her on a semi-regular basis. But no matter how much easier it would make your life if you would simply accept this person as your friend and trust his or her opinions and ideas as being good, you can't do it, because you know what kind of a person he or she really is. So when you are making plans on a Friday night and someone says that this person has invited everyone to this particular place, you refuse to go because you know that this person's idea of a good time and a good and positive atmosphere is just wrong. Whatever this person likes, you do not. Whatever this person does, you do the opposite. Because if you started liking or doing the things that this person does, it would make you just like this person, and you know that that would be horrible. Because you don't want to be like this person. As a result, when this person tells you that he or she likes listening to reggae or the Grateful Dead while getting high, you think to yourself "Yes. And that is why I don't like reggae, listen to the Dead, or get high. Because I don't want to become a moron like you." And when this person invites you over for a party, you think to yourself "No. Because I don't want to hang around with a bunch of morons like you." And when this person tells you that Obama is off to a bad start, you think to yourself "Good. Because if you thought he was off to a good start I would be really worried.

Because you are an idiot,

Note: I have recently discovered that ending a hanging sentence (i.e., a sentence that ends a complete thought or I guess a soliloquy or whatever) with a comma makes it much more insulting for some reason. And so yes, I am aware that the above quote is missing it's ending quotation mark and that it also ends with a comma instead of a period. I have chosen to do this in order to be more insulting.

Ending a sentence with a comma really does make it more insulting. Watch:

Does this dress make me look fat?


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Why don't they put this on TV?

Stump, a 10 year old Sussex spaniel (that's 70 in dog years), has been named "best in show" at the 2009 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. I don't talk trash about dogs. But seriously, Stump doesn't look like he's very cool. As a matter of fact, he comes off as being a little bit pompous. But, like I said, I don't talk trash about dogs. So I'll stop there.

When I heard the news about Stump it reminded me of something I have been thinking about for the past couple of days because I have been hearing odds and ends about the dog show: Why the hell don't they show this crap on TV? Seriously, I would watch that. I am not even joking; I really think it would be a lot of fun to watch the competition unfold over a few nights. And yes, I would yell at the TV. I would root for the dogs that I thought were cool and, yes, would root against and jeer the dogs that I don't like. I don't think I am the only one who would enjoy this, either. I think it would be hilarious to watch, and I really hope that they put this on in prime time on NBC next year.

Don't furrow your eyebrows. You know you would love it, too.

I also wanted to say that my dog, Ginger, could kick the crap out of Stump. And Ginger is about the size of (read: is, basically) a small and hilarious pillow.

Here is some more information about Ginger, just in case you've never met her:

-A couple of weeks ago, she got sick and threw up on the welcome mat in her room (she sleeps in the laundry room, which is attached to the garage), so my folks had to throw the mat out. Ginger was afraid of the new and much bigger rug and refused to walk on it, opting instead to tiptoe around the edge of the mat until she was appeased with (you guessed it) treats.

-Ginger was also afraid of the new washer and dryer that were installed in her room about a year ago. She barked and growled at them for days.

-We counted once and determined that Ginger understands about one dozen words. Among them are: out, treat, walk, ride, bed (doesn't like that one), no (pretends not to understand that one), stay (when she feels like it), potty (new one), ball, down (when she feels like it), the phrase "go to your place" (when she feels like it), and Ginger.

-Ginger likes to invite people into her room. To watch her eat.

-Ginger has two best friends: the cleaning lady and Andy the guitar teacher.

-When Ginger gets her haircut she looks exactly like the dog from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

-Ginger used to have a huge problem with barking at (and assaulting) anyone who came over who wasn't a member of the family. My folks had to hire a personal "teacher" for Ginger, and she went to "school" every other Saturday morning.

-The teacher once had Ginger run on the treadmill, and she wasn't trying to be funny.

-The teacher said that Ginger was her smartest student.

-The teacher told us that when dog owners pick up their dogs a lot and carry them around (like we do), the dog gets the impression that she is really big because she thinks that she is really as tall as her eye-level is when you hold her.

-Therefore, Ginger is under the impression that she is big and ferocious.

-Ginger is not ferocious. Like I said, she is basically a small and hilarious pillow.

-Sometimes when you talk to Ginger she will move her mouth like she is trying to talk back.

-When Ginger was a puppy, she did something bad and then hid underneath a table. My mom started yelling at her, and when Ginger wouldn't respond by coming out from underneath the table, my mom asked Ginger if she was deaf. If Ginger somehow could have answered, she probably would have said "No, I can hear you. I just can't understand human language."

-Every so often Ginger's breath smells mysteriously like Doritos.

-Every so often we will find empty bags of Doritos in Ginger's bed.

-Ginger really likes to play fetch.

-Ginger really only understands how to play the first half of fetch. After you throw the ball and she runs it down, she brings it over to you but will not give it back to you.

-The rules of the house are that Ginger is not allowed to go upstairs. The only one who really enforces this rule is my dad. Ginger is smart enough to know that she can break the rules when my dad is not home, even if there are other people home. Once, we had her upstairs because my dad was gone. He came home while she was up there, though, and when she heard him coming she hid behind the bathroom door, all on her own.

-Ginger likes to go outside and just stare.

-Ginger will not tolerate this noise: "pwwwut." No one knows why.

-Two Christmases ago I bought Ginger a "Clifford" book for a gift.


Greatest Website of All Time?

This one might be.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Message to Republicans who won't stop whining and crying for bipartisanship

Couple things.

First. Do you renember [intentional typo] having your asses fucking handed to you in the November 4 elections. That was because we don't like your brains, and we wanted to take your power away from you. Which we did. The reason you are having so much trouble accomplishing your goals in congress is because there are so few of you in congress -- far too few to vote your goals into reality. And the reason there are so few of you in congress is because America only wanted a few of you in congress; this was proven by the vote on Nov. 4. And the reason that America wanted only a few of you in congress is because you have bad brains.

Second. Um. When all of you republicans were running the country [into the ground] during Dubya's term in office, I don't really remember much bipartisanship coming from your end. I remember the opposite of bipartisanship coming from your end. I remember your leader, Dubya, continually enforcing an "I'm doing what I want to do even if most of the country hates what I want to do" policy. So why the hell would you expect to be treated differently. Especially when the entire country just rejected your agenda (and your asses), hard, in the election. We voted the other way because we don't like you or your ideas or policies or whatever, so...why would we want to include those ideas and policies in what we are trying to get accomplished now.

Basically, nobody gives a fuck about you anymore so you can whine all you want but why the hell should we care. You didn't, about us. Shut your bitch pipes.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Eddie Vedder Sings Karaoke

I just think that Eddie Vedder is great, and has made some really great music. I actually think that the soundtrack for the film "Into the Wild," which Vedder wrote and performed, is a great album: very under-rated. At least check out the movie (and the fantastic book by John Krakauer) and listen for Eddie. I just wish that he wasn't a die-hard Cubs fan.

I got this clip from Deadspin. It's Eddie singing karaoke at the Cubs convention ("Where the Streets Have No Name," by U2).

He is really one of my favorite performers.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Columnist Navarrette Propagandizes Ill-Fated Birth Control Funding Clause, Is Moron

I now present you with a lesson in how sociopolitical propaganda works.

You are probably by now familiar at least with the notion that our government is working towards passing an economic stimulus package. You may also be aware that the government, at the urging of President Barack Obama, removed a clause from the proposed package last week that dealt with the issue of birth control. The now stricken clause basically called for the package to include over $200 million that would basically make various forms of contraception more affordable for citizens. And, since this clause was intended for inclusion in the economic stimulus package, it is fair to say that the clause was economically motivated. The idea that the backers of this clause most likely had was that by making contraception more affordable and available to those who may choose to use it, fewer children would be born; as a result, there would eventually be fewer people on welfare and other such government aid programs. Because there would be fewer babies (and families) who needed that support. Does this sound like a logical train of thought to you? Regardless of your position on the issue of birth control, I don't think you can argue against the simple mathematics of the thing.

I feel that Ruben Navarrette's CNN commentary from Feb. 2, 2009, is a fantastic example of the propagandization of this issue, which eventually led to the removal of the clause from the stimulus package. I also feel that the commentary is a fantastic example of the kind of rampant and public idiocy that is being handed down to the American public by many of those with more powerful voices. For the purpose of this blog post I will focus only on the stimulus/birth control issue, but it is my wish that you consider what your leaders say, why they say it, how they say it, and the effect that it has on the majority of the citizens of this country who take their words as higher law because they often have no other sources of information (secondary wish: realize that this guy and everyone like him is an idiot).

To sum up Navarrette's commentary: He begins by going over what he considers to be some of the "ridiculous items" in the stimulus. Good: as Americans we should be very picky with how the government spends our money. But then he gets to the birth control clause, and literally almost compares it to genocide, and just coincidentally happens to invoke past issues of forced sterilization. He writes,

"You know the nation's cupboard is bare when politicians propose limiting the number of births as a way of improving the economy. That's a conversation we shouldn't be having" (Navarette commentary).

That's actually not a conversation we're having. We were actually just talking about making contraception more available to people who may need it. We weren't talking about surgically installing iron condoms onto anybody, or force-feeding women the morning-after pill every day. I don't know if you know this, but just because there are contraception methods available to you doesn't mean that you have to use them if you don't want to. Congratulations on placing the phrase "limiting births" so that it comes off so subliminally, so that most people don't pay too much attention to it and yet it still becomes associated with this issue in their minds.

Congratulations on (thinking that you are) taking a moral stance in saying that limiting the number of children people are allowed to have is wrong. Even if the non-idiotic portion of the world's population actually began to take this stance a number of centuries ago. NICE! GOING ! :p

Also, congratulations on basically comparing Nancy Pelosi (and others who supported the birth control clause) to the Nazis. This is a logical connection to make (if your brain is made of Jello and mashed potatoes and jiggles every time you turn your head):

"For a minute, it sounded as if the House Speaker was channeling the ghost of Margaret Sanger. The 20th Century birth control advocate is a hero to those who worship at the altar of reproductive freedom. [...] Sanger also embraced birth control as a means of social engineering. [...] Many in that school of thought considered immigrant groups like Jews, Italians, and Irish to be inferior genetically, and they felt that these groups were having too many children, a trend they believed needed to be stopped -- by forced sterilization if necessary" (Navarrette commentary).

And so, Craphead Navarrette, you have taken the notion of providing easier and more affordable access to contraception for people who may need or want it into the realm of reproductive genocide. And you almost kind of labeled some people 'genocidists' in the process. You're just the personification of human progress, aren't you. Again, reader: here is an instance where you should realize that someone is attempting to propagandize you by associating one thing with another very bad thing that really has nothing to do with the original thing. He is just trying to build false bridges and connections in peoples' brains in order to advance his own personal (outdated, inhumane, illogical) beliefs, and he has probably succeeded on a pretty massive scale. Because a lot of people have been buying in to this kind of crap for a very long time.

Here is the problem with your (illogical) logic, Navarrette. First of all, as I wrote earlier, the purpose of the clause in the stimulus package was to PROVIDE EASIER AND MORE AFFORDABLE ACCESS TO CONTRACEPTIVES FOR PEOPLE WHO may need it or want it. We weren't planning on welding any chastity belts on young women. We weren't planning on soldering condoms onto any men. And actually, to reference the actual center of your argument, which your whole argument is therefore based on, we're not moronic assholes and so therefore were not intent on "limiting the number of births." You know, since contraception is OPTIONAL, and all. I really don't think that the sex police were going to roll out from underneath the bed as soon as they saw the bra hit the floor and say to the (now un-)happy couple "Nope. You already got two kids."

Let me pause here for a second. And actually let me pause in my original pause to tell you that yes, I have now moved on to full out bashing pro-life dipshits. OK. Back to the original pause:

I am not sure that you understand what the meaning of the word choice is. Because what it means is that you can either decide to employ something, or decide not to employ something. Like when I say that birth control is a choice, it doesn't mean that everyone is actually forced to use it if they don't want to. Just because birth control pills exist doesn't mean that nobody is ever allowed to have babies again. And just because you think or believe that abortions are wrong doesn't mean that someone who doesn't believe that shouldn't be allowed to practice their belief, which is that having an abortion is not wrong. That would be like if I told you

ME: It is my belief that you have the word "dumbfuck" tattooed on your forehead.

YOU: No. But I don't want to do that.

ME: But it's my belief that you should have that done. And, so, yer...have to.

YOU: But. I. Don't. Be. Lieve. The. Same. Thing. You do. I. Be. Lieve. The. Opposite.

Goddammit I wish I could just put a giant condom over these dumbfucks' faces so that I wouldn't have to listen to their bullshit anymore. I'm sorry that you were born stupid but that doesn't mean that I'm going to dumb everything down just for your sake.