Friday, January 30, 2009

Leader: Group of Unstoppable Morons "Undeterred" by Own Moronitudity

Writes that group is "in this thing for the long hall."

[side note: greatest gym class ever]

Monday, January 26, 2009

Because Trial and Error is for Suckers

2nd floor men's room door, Graham Hall, Northern Illinois University. Note the Blue Sign:

If we look at that blue sign a little bit more closely, we are reminded of the #1 principle of door operation:

Yeah, but what if I don't feel like reading on that day. Hey: That's your problem. Not mine.

Not pictured: A man in his early twenties rolling violently in a puddle of his own urine, lamenting the fact that he never learned how to read.


Friday, January 23, 2009

Pop Star Ironically Makes World Dumber while Attempting to Make Herself seem Smarter

I know that I am not the first person to realize this, but it has been brought to my attention that there is a song in existence by Britney Spears that is called "If You Seek Amy." Oh wait, sorry, upon further review, it is titled "If U Seek Amy." Smart. Ok, so I didn't realize when I first saw this title that when you say it aloud (you have to say it REALLY FAST, according to dumb people), that it obviously sounds like you are saying "F-U-C-K me." Well. Who is the punning prodigy who came up with this one.

One of the things that makes this even dumber is the lyric to the chorus of the "song":

Love me, hate me, say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me, hate me, but can't you see what I see?
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy

Ok, but, aren't you not really hiding your ingenious pun if you put it in a sentence that contains a grammatical mistake that makes it obvious that you are punning? That's not even really this point, you are just spelling out the word fuck, and then adding the word "me"...I don't really understand...are you...trying to...hide that...or...

I also don't really understand the "message" of this song. Spears seems to be striking back at the h8ers! who keep bringing her down, yo. And who think [accurately] that she is just a brainless and talentless party girl who sells sex for a living. But... that's... what... you... are... Britney...

It's like she is trying to say, "Hey, people keep trying to bring me down, but it's not working because people still want to fuck me." Well, Britney Spears. Congratulations on succeeding biologically. Congratulations on having boobs that men want to touch, and a vagina that men want Yeah, because nobody else has that. You've really achieved something there with your attainment of femininity. I am so happy for you that you have finally accomplished the impossible dream of having a vagina that men want to fuck. Yes, you are right. Your boobs do make you smarter, better, and more enlightened than everyone else. Nobody mess with this chick: her vagina will kick your ass. Or out-spell you.

Yeah, you've been bringing me down, but people want to fuck me, so I win.

Yes, Britney. Congratulations on inventing human sexuality. We couldn't have done it without you. Congratulations on coming up with the concept of the libido. Congratulations on growing the world's first vagina.

The worst part about this is that now I have to barf while thinking about all of the morons IN DA CLUB that are going to be humping each other after "dancing" to this song. Note to all morons who do that dance IN DA CLUB where the girl bends over and presses/rubs her ass up against the guy's obviously aroused crotch: that's not called flirting. That's called being a dumb slut. And/or an ugly whore.

Now excuse me while I go vomit at the notion of your existence.

Happy Birthday Kelly Kapowski

Kelly Kapowski turns 35 today, so I decided to write her a love letter:

To my dearest and eternally youthful, Kelly,

I write you today so that I may express to you my sincerest wishes for you to have a happy birthday during which you are surrounded by those who love you and whom you love the most. I wish for you to drink the finest champagnes and dine on fresh lobster by candlelight tonight at a table overlooking the ocean's orange sunset. It is my hope then that you shall walk on the sands of the beach in the dark with the waves lapping softly at your feet, and by your side a companion of your choosing. And may the dwellers of the village disappear for the evening, providing you with silence and sanctuary; and may the darkness of the evening cover all until eternity, traveling by side of your youth; and when the star of the morning finally breaks the horizon, may you behold within yourself the eternal youth I behold in you.

Happy birthday, Kelly Kapowski.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Book Review: Ulysses, by James Joyce

Is Ulysses the most beautiful work of literature written in the English language?


Should everyone read that book?

Everyone with a brain.

Is Ulysses easy to read?

No, very difficult.

Why difficult?

Even after committing oneself to studying the work, chapter by chapter, as one proceeds in reading, one cannot possibly understand all of the puzzles, the allusions, the references, and the whathaveyous that Joyce put into the book.

How much work to put in?

At times more work than it takes to read the book.

Is reading it not, then, enjoyable?

Quite to the contrary.

Alright I'll stop being a fuckburt. You probably already know that Joyce's Ulysses is the story of one man's -- Leopold Bloom's -- movements through Dublin on June 16, 1904 (the date of Joyce's first date with his wife, Nora Barnacle; it was Joyce's private tribute). Bloom is an outsider in Dublin for several reasons: he is Jewish, which sets him apart from the Catholic Dubliners; he is a somewhat feminine man who lives in a world of big-drinking, brawling, cigar-smoking Irishmen; and his wife, Molly Bloom, cuckolds him for his impotence (a state of affairs which everyone in Dublin, including Bloom, seems to be aware of).

The story of Bloom's day, of course, parallels closely (and intentionally) the story of Odysseus' (also known as Ulysses) years-long journey back home from the Trojan War in which he fought, which is told in Homer's Odyssey. Throughout Ulysses, Bloom runs into characters and situations that are symbolic of the characters in the Odyssey; it can be difficult at times, however, to pick up on the references that Joyce makes to Homer's epic -- the subtle symbolisms -- without studying some sort of a guide as you go along. The effect that the parallel eventually has on the reader, however, is quite breathtaking, as he is made to view each day, hour, or moment of his life -- as inconsequential as it may seem -- as a vital, beautiful, devastating, or ultimately consequential part of a whole.

It seems that it would be impossible to relate to you much more of the plot because there is both so much and so little of it there to tell you. I might say that the plot of Ulysses is somewhat inconsequential (although it is a fantastic, suspenseful, and wonderfully constructed plot), but at the same time I would have to tell you that the plot is everything...Yeah, my brain is being a pile of Jello right now (again) and this review really isn't coming out all that well (poorly written, again). Here are some bullet points and then I'm done.

-The book is comprised of 18 episodes, each of which is named for, styled after, and contains symbolism from a different episode of the Odyssey.

-Each of the 18 episodes is written in a different style. None of the episodes are written in the same style. For example, the last episode, "Penelope," takes up about 40 pages. Eight sentences make up those 40 pages. That's right: eight sentences.

-Ulysses is considered to be the watershed moment (or perhaps even the invention of) the interior monologue in literature. The interior monologue is just one of the styles that Joyce uses in the novel.

-Stephen Dedalus is one of the main characters in the novel. Stephen was the protagonist of Joyce's earlier novel, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.

-Ulysses, published in 1922, was banned in many countries for perceived obscenity. One of the major issues in dispute was that the novel contains scenes of urination and defecation, as well as any and all other human bodily functions.

-Ulysses was recognized as being the best novel of the Twentieth Century by Time Magazine (and many, many other organizations).

-Joyce originally imagined writing Ulysses as a short story for inclusion in his debut publication, Dubliners.

-Many of the major and minor characters from both Dubliners and A Portrait of the Artist appear as major or minor characters in Ulysses.

-Many of these characters were based on real Dubliners of the time, whom Joyce either knew or knew of. It is said that when the novel was released (and the people of Dublin got their illegal bootlegged copies), the big question in Dublin was, "Are you in the book?"

-Readers will uncover new puzzles in Ulysses for years to come. For example: in the first episodes of the novel, Bloom leaves his home (at 7 Eccles) in the morning to run errands throughout the streets of Dublin. Joyce takes care to name all of the streets that Bloom travels down. To the uninformed reader, the street names mean nothing. But if you trace Bloom's movements throughout these episodes on a map of Dublin from the time, you will find that Bloom's path has been a great circle. Symbolism, anyone?

And although Ulysses may be one of the more difficult novels you or I will ever come across, I must say that the pay-off that I got upon completing the novel was much more rewarding than the work that I put into reading and studying the text was intimidating or hard. It was well worth the effort, and I sincerely hope that all of you get the chance one day to read Ulysses. Life can be more complete.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The two best reactionary quotes to Dubya's farewell speech last week (paraphrased)

"It seems as though he is making an acceptance speech for an award that nobody wanted to give him."
-Keith Olbermann

"It's that whole mentality of every child gets a trophy just for playing."
-Chris Matthews

Sunday, January 18, 2009


I think it's funny that hippies think that they are a part of some really cool, fun, exclusive, elite, and enlightened society, when really they only think that because they are high, and too stupid to make that connection.

I think it's funny that hippies think that getting high enhances their abilities to connect with other people when really it only enables them to fool themselves into believing that they have done so. Getting high is only a way of hiding from yourself, and when you believe that you have done that you also assume that you have hidden from everyone else. But you haven't; they just can't see the real you because they, too, are high and stupid.

I think it is ironic that hippies are all about peace, love, and non-violence, and that I would love to just punch one some time.

I think that the hippie who told me that the "light turned on for him" at one of Jerry Garcia's last concerts, at which he witnessed two hippies hugging each other and their young children while a bunch of losers (the Grateful Dead) played some garbage, was a fucking shit-for-brains. Because he can pinpoint the exact moment at which he became a complete dumb-ass.

I think that it probably goes without saying that any person who idolizes a moron must be an even bigger moron than the original moron.

I think that most hippies become hippies because they are ugly and have no other way of getting laid. Because if you join a community in which ugliness is the standard, you suddenly become the standard.

I bet that if we built a big spaceship that could hold all of the hippies in it and carry them to outer space, and if we told them that we were just "giving" them the Moon to inhabit and govern themselves on because we had made it safe for human life, and then we took them to the moon and dropped them all off there, and then when they got off of the spaceship and started to say "Hey wait, we can't breathe out here. You didn't make this safe for human living," and then the captain of our spaceship mouthed the words "See ya" to them through the windshield of the spaceship as he drove back towards the earth, we would all have a lot more free time becasue we wouldn't have to spend half of our lives dealing with moronitudity. But they would only buy it if we used the word "community" somewhere in the title of the Moon Village.

Seriously, just get out of my fucking way. Because I am tired of spending the majority of my time making concessions for your idiocy. Congratulations on being a part of a community -- a community comprised of the dumbest and least desirable people in the world. We're all very happy for you and are glad you've finally found your place in the world (the dirt beneath society's ladder).

Idiots. You look like a moron when you dance. You look like a moron when you don't dance. Not into appearances? Guess what: you've got a horrible personality that even your mother could loathe. You annoy the hell out of everybody with your crap music and your kindergarten art. Your ethics are based upon the damage that you've done to your own jello brain. You get high because you never got over the bullshit from your youth. Think I am wrong? That's only because you are too high and stupid to see it for yourself. Go hide. Go hide from yourself and others. I don't want to see your ugly face anymore.

Fuck off, and stop making everybody else dedicate their lives to making up for your God Damned idiocy. You're dumbing everybody else down. Fuck. Off.


Things like this are a big part of the reason why I hate the world and its people sometimes, and why I get so pissed off sometimes. The same should go for you.

Fucking dirty filth, you are in the fucking way.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Book Review: The Inferno, by Dante Alighieri

The Inferno is, of course, 13th/14th Century Italian poet Dante Alighieri's vision of hell. The long poem is the tale of Dante's own journey through the nine circles of the underworld as he is led by the Roman poet Virgil, a dweller of hell. The circles themselves (and all of the various sections/bolgias/etc. that lay in each of the circles) are actually levels or tiers of a downward spiral that serve as torturous homes for those who sinned during their natural lives, and who have become the inhabitants of hell.

In the poem, hell is designed so that those who have committed the least offensive sins during their natural lives inhabit the circles that are closest to the top of the underworld, i.e., the first circle, the second circle, etc., while those who have committed the most atrocious sins inhabit the deepest circles of hell, i.e., the eighth and ninth circles. The ninth circle, as one might imagine, houses only Satan himself.

As the sin that the inhabitants of the underworld determines the level of hell to which each soul is assigned, so too does each sin determine the type of torture that soul will endure for all eternity. The inhabitants of the upper circles of hell, then, endure a torture that is less horrific than that which is inflicted upon the inhabitants of the lower circles, who have committed greater sins.

For example, in the third circle are the Gluttons. These are the souls of those who during their natural lives on earth "made no higher use of the gifts of God than to wallow in food and drink, producers of waste and offal" (Ciari translation, page 65). Proportionally, their punishment in hell is to inhabit a region (the third circle) in which a rain of foul-smelling waste matter falls on them constantly. These souls lay in the sludge of this waste eternally, becoming waste themselves in the waste that was the result of their lives. The punishment doled out in this circle, which is higher in hell than many of the others, is more tame than those below it.

The eighth circle (seventh bolgia) houses the Thieves. Here, some the souls of those who committed thievery emerge as reptiles, while others appear to be human. Both the reptilian and human bodies, however, are merely vehicles for the souls, and the inhabitants of each change frequently. The souls who have been relegated to the reptile form are constantly attacking the human forms, so that they may "steal" the body/vehicle and walk as a man through hell. When a human form is attacked, the soul that was inhabiting it is transferred into the reptile that attacked it, and the soul of the reptile overtakes the human body. The catch is, of course, that once a soul has "stolen" a body, that body will soon be stolen again by another soul. Yeah, don't steal.

I recommend that all of you read The Inferno, even though this is an extremely poorly written review of it. The imagery contained in the work is the most intensely realistic and disturbing that I have ever read, the metaphor challenges the reader to think on new levels, and the plot even builds a lot of suspense and does a lot of other literary things that my rusty brain can't communicate as of this moment.


-If you want to base your life around building upon the greatest successes of mankind, and hopefully advancing the human race, read The Inferno. On the other hand, if you just kind of want to get high, go to White Castle, ask women that you have impregnated the timeless question "Well, so what are you gonna do?", ask your sober coworkers to take piss-tests for you even though you are in your mid-twenties, or watch South Park, or if you laughingly tell people that you don't understand how or why your parole officer hasn't thrown you in jail for failing a piss-test because you totally smoked like two days before, then maybe skip it.

-Reading The Inferno is not as daunting a task as you have probably been led to believe throughout the course your life. It is of course not a light read by any stretch of the imagination. It requires time, effort, and thought. But it is a highly enjoyable and even entertaining read. And of course there is the payoff at the end of knowing that you have just fully experienced one of the greatest artistic works that any man has ever created, which is something that not everyone can say.

-I would advise against making this your bed-time read because I, at least, tend to forget the last few pages of what I read at night because I am half-asleep. This is a work that you really want to concentrate on. If you have a half hour during the day on a consistent basis during which you will not be distracted, read it then. Or, make it your vacation read. Bed-time reads should be reserved for biographies. Trust.

-Get a version with footnotes. Read all of the footnotes as you go along. It will also help you to get on the Internet and look up some of the people that are featured in hell as you go (yes, many of the souls in Dante's hell were real people who committed real crimes and sins. In addition, there are figures like Achilles and Odysseus, as well. It is helpful to know why Dante puts such figures in the specific circles that he does). (Side note: I learned by doing some quick Internet research while reading this that Virgil's last name was MORA, which, if you jumble up the letters, spells ROMA [Rome], which is where he is from and was the setting of much of his work and which, if you jumble up all the letters again, spells AMOR [love], which is apparently one of the major themes of his works, although I haven't read any of them. MORA, ROMA, AMOR. See? These are the kinds of things that you [I] like to know.)

So, what's it going to be...advancing your brain function and learning about the history of mankind's greatest achievements, or Taco Bell and piss-tests/sitting on a tree stump and urinating on yourself.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Review: The City, starring Whitney Port, and life update

Why am I watching (e)M(p)T(y)V's (thank you Kurt Cobain) "The City?" Because I am obscenely tired -- too tired to watch the Ulysses film (book review coming soon) -- because there is only so much channel surfing that a person can do, and because I am hoping that Audrina Patridge is on. Here are some of the things that have occurred to me:

-Well, this is embarrassing. I had better turn down the volume.

-Whitney Port is not very good looking, unless she is on the beach staging wardrobe malfunctions for the paparazzi (which happen to coincide with the premiere of her new television show).

-Since when do beautiful (relative term), prestigious women fall in love with bums. I'm kind of a bum. And I don't have Audrina on my arm.

-Audrina Patridge is not going to be in this episode.

Also, in the back of my head, I was kind of thinking, maybe this will give me some insight as to how women really are, and how they think and act when there aren't any guys around. Hypothesis:

-Flawed experiment. This can't be how women really are, because these chicks are dumb as rocks and more annoying than running out of coffee grinds in the morning. Prognosis:

-This show is about stupid girls who I do not find attractive. It does not feature Audrina Patridge. I will not renew my viewership.

In other news:

-The spring semester started today. I guess.

-As I said, I have finished Ulysses. I will write a review soon. Thus completes my study of James Joyce (excepting Finnegans Wake. Far too complicated for light, in-semester reading). I have begun studying Ernest Hemingway, and am planning on touring his Oak Park in the spring.

-The Hot Genius is in three of my four classes this semester. In case you don't know, the Hot Genius is, literally, a hot genius. A super-hot genius. She could be in the magazines. She has read everything, she writes like I do (when I am trying to sound smart), and she speaks like I do (when I am trying to sound smart. Although, in both instances, she pulls it off, while I don't).

-The Hot Genius got engaged over winter break. Not cool. And I was just about ready to awkwardly not ask her out for the entire semester, until it gets to the point where she eventually figures out that I am pathetically trying to ask her out, and then literally watches me crumble in fear, disappointment, and self-loathing right in front of her eyes. So close.


The most hilarious thing of all time. I'll bet you anything that Andy Samberg is behind this.

I give you the Doogie Howser theme song, performed by the SNL orchestra. Notice the tear on Doogie Howser's cheek at the end.


Do not watch this if you don't do well with disturbing images. The kid didn't make it through.

Sunday, January 11, 2009