Friday, October 31, 2008
As I was flipping, the theme song for The Golden Girls started to play on one of the channels. Only it wasn't The Golden Girls...well it was, kind of...What it was was basically a Home Shopping Network type of show in which Rose from the Golden Girls was being interviewed and trying to sell hair dye. Her hair had been dyed red; it was that awful red that some elderly women color their hair with which is quite clearly an inhuman color. Purplish. Beside her was her dog. It was a small and furry dog. It had also been dyed this inhuman purplish red. The product that Rose was selling was a dye that worked on both humans and dogs. Rose even said something along the lines of, "He didn't really mind, except that we had to put the spoon in his coat." She was talking about dying her dog. Cut to a different shot, this one farther back. In the shot we can see Rose, her purplish dog, and her interviewer. Rose is now an elephant -- or perhaps the correct term would be woolly mammoth, as her entire elephant body is covered with inhuman purplish animal fur. Like her dog. Only she has an elephant snout. Wake up.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Child killer, know only that the venom that awaits you in this world and the next is far stronger and more violently painful than the poison with which you have infected this world. The blackness that will take you is eternal.
One day a real rain will come.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Rock Has-Been Spends 15 Years, Millions of Dollars on Music That Everybody Knew Was Going to Blow; Finally Releases Single; Single Blows
For the last fifteen years (fifteen years, or whatever. Something like that) Axl Rose has been working on a new "Guns 'N' Roses" album. I put quotation marks around Guns 'N' Roses because Axl is the only member of the original group who remains in the band or has contributed to this new album in any way; Axl simply owns the rights to the group's name and so can attach it to whatever musical project he undertakes. From what I understand, the "new" G'N'R is basically Axl on lead vocals, some loser with a bucket of KFC on his head playing guitar, and a bunch of other loser studio musicians. Instead of calling themselves G'N'R, they should just call themselves K'F'C. Or, since the band is sometimes referred to as "Guns and Fucking Roses (G'N'F'N'R)," how about K'N'F'N'C. Or K'M'F'F'C: Kentucky Mother Fuckin' Fried Chicken. Regardless, these guys are clowns and Axl is the sad clown that all of the happy clowns make fun of. Or, that clown named Cookie from the Bozo show who was an alcoholic (I think he died of alcoholism. R.I.P. Cookie, you eerie hungover bastard).
The point is that Alkie the Clown took fifteen years (or whatever) to make and release this album because he knew that it was shit and he knew that he was shit. I am assuming he was afraid of the inevitable embarrassment that comes with being exposed as a has-been loser. And what do you know: the first single is a pile of audio bullshit and Axl Rose turned out to be just as big a joke as we thought he would be. A lot of us did, anyway.
Don't get me wrong: I love the original Guns 'N' Roses. Seriously, probably top ten of all time. I'm not even going to go over that with you because I think that it is self explanatory. Seriously, original G'N'R kicks ass. Patience, Welcome To the Jungle, Paradise City, Rocket Queen, Estranged, Dead Horse...fantastic. Love them and listen to them often.
But seriously, this guy is an ass clown. I think Axl lost me when he made a video that was supposed to be all "artistic" for some old school G'N'R song and decided to run his bare ass across the screen at the end of the video. Hey Axl: you know what's not real rock and roll (or intelligent)? Trying to make an artistic statement with your ass.
Dip-shit, you should have just gone home in 1992 after everybody else did.
In closing I would like to share with you a story that to me illustrates perfectly Axl Rose's dick-headedness and Kurt Cobain's genius sense of humor.
Apparently, Axl represented to Kurt the sort of ridiculous old-school rock and roll ego that Kurt had basically made his mission to tear down by the time Nirvana had exploded in popular culture (and for obvious reasons. Off the top of my head I'm just thinking about Axl being a huge douche bag). Well, not long after Nirvana released Nevermind and basically became the biggest rock band in the world, Kurt, with wife Courtney at his side, ran into Axl backstage at the 1992 (I think it was 1992) MTV Video Music Awards, or whatever that shit show is called. I guess there was already some bad blood between the two camps, because Courtney said something sarcastic to the crowd backstage about Axl, which Axl didn't really appreciate. The following hilarity ensued (and fuck you, Tucker Max -- you are a loser, too. You don't get to own that phrase):
"Cobain, you better shut your bitch up!"
Cobain first looks to Courtney, unsure of his response to Axl's attempt at establishing some sort of meat-head hierarchy. Next he lays his eyes on Axl, the corners of his lips beginning to curl up the sides of his reddening cheeks. Kurt finally looks back to Courtney, wide-eyed, knowing what he will say:
"Shut up, bitch!"
And that was when Kurt Cobain destroyed Axl Rose's career.
Here is the new crap if you feel like dumbing yourself down.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
2a. Griffey Jr. is as good as gone. I think he is either a free agent or the team might have an option on him. But he is simply the easiest guy to let go, both because we have a glut of much faster replacements ready to go and because the fans didn't have time to get all that attached to him.
2b. Kenny will probably examine trading Konerko. Konerko had a big-time off year, but he came on strong at the end, he's got enough clout in the majors to still have some decent value, and he's probably got some good years left in him. At least a few teams will want him, and he'd be much easier to move than boulder Jim Thome (see below). Dye has themost trade value among the three, but I don't see Kenny moving him because he is still so productive. See below for the info on those guys.
2c. Thome will probably hit 35 homers next year and hit about .250. I bet that Kenny would like to move him more than anyone (so that he could keep Konerko and put him at DH), but I doubt many teams would want him. I'm expecting him back next year.
2d. Even though Dye has the most trade value among these four, I don't see Kenny moving him. He is the most consistently productive hitter on the team, and he still plays a good right field.
3. Joe Crede. Great player and fan favorite, but he has refused to undergo team-recommended back surgery for the last few years, and it has basically cost him a couple of seasons now. Add that to the fact that his agent is Scott Boras (with whom the Sox generally don't negotiate), and... HE GONE. I hate to say it, but I think it is true.
4. Nick Swisher. Kenny acquired him for some decent talent last off-season, and he came to town carrying a lot of hype. He ended up being a fantastic clubhouse guy and a major disappointment on the field. At the end of the year he lost his starting job and, with the emergence of Quentin this year, there might not be a spot for him unless he comes off of the bench.
The two biggest things that Swisher has going for him right now are the fact that he's got a pretty decent track record (except for this year) and Kenny himself: General Managers generally like to give the guys that they gave up a lot to get plenty of chances to prove that he was right to acquire him in the first place. It doesn't sound like much, but I think that in this case it is.
So, here is kind of what our starting line-up looks like after taking all of this into account:
1. OPEN (SS)
2. A.J. Pierzynski, C
3. Carlos Quentin, LF
4. Jermaine Dye, RF
5. Jim Thome, DH
6. Paul Konerko, 1B
7. OPEN (CF)
8. Alexei Ramirez, 2B
9. Juan Uribe, 3B
Both Ramirez and Uribe are natural shortstops. Look for Ramirez to make a permanent move over to starting shortstop and for Uribe to move over to starting at second or playing off the bench or for another team. This is where Chris Getz comes into play: a lot of people are saying that he's got a legitimate shot at starting at second next year. That basically leaves us with a competition at second base between two pretty good players and a hole at third base.
As far as centerfield goes, I personally believe that it is time to stick Brian Anderson in there and stay with him. The guy is a great defender and has showed that he's got enough with the bat to get by in the majors. The only problem is, he is not a lead-off hitter. So, here is what the line-up looks like after all of that is taken into consideration:
1. OPEN (3B)
2. Pierzynski, C
3. Quentin, LF
4. Dye, RF
5. Thome, DH
6. Konerko, 1B
7. Ramirez, SS
8. Anderson, CF
9. Uribe/Getz, 2B
That means that one of two things has to happen: either we trade for a third baseman who can hit lead-off (Chone Figgins of the Angels, whom Kenny has long coveted, is the ONLY guy that I can think of that can do this) or we trade one or more of our other starting position players (and maybe a back-line pitcher or two) and basically mix and match until we fill our needs of lead-off hitter, third baseman, and whatever holes pop up after we have made that deal.
Personally, I want Chone Figgins. The only problem is...How do we get him?
I will have to write about this some more next time (as well as the bench and the pitchers), but this is getting really long and I am starting to realize why Caroline doesn't want to read this blog anymore. Until the second installment...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
To me, though, Britney's public service announcement (The More You Know) becomes somewhat clouded when Britney whores herself out in the video -- like, say, in the scenes where she is completely naked and all oiled up.
Look, I'm not trying to make some kind of Britney Spears-esque commentary on the way in which our society views and treats women. I'm just trying to point out someone's mind-boggling, brain-numbing idiocy and dumb-assedness. Seriously, can anyone actually be this dumb. You "write" a song in which you attempt to get people to stop sexually objectifying women, and then you, a woman, sexually objectify yourself in the video for that very song. I imagine taking an X-ray of your head and finding, instead of a brain, a stationary acorn, like they used to have in the cartoons I used to watch when I was a kid. Actually I don't know if they used to have that in those cartoons but for some reason that concept popped into my head when I was trying to think of how to describe your brain, so whatever.
Seriously. What a fucking moron. I honestly don't even think that their is an insult that cuts deeply enough to describe how hilariously dumb this girl seems to be to me. I feel like an exclamation point might sort of add to the intensity of the point that I am trying to make, so here it is: !
Side note: The term "womanizing" is degrading to women, if you think about it.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Make my first check out out for about $25,000, asshole. I'm waiting.
John Lennon was born on this day (October 9) in 1940. Lennon of course was a founding member of The Beatles (the founder, depending on who you ask [me]) and wrote some of the most popular and, in my opinion, best music of the Twentieth Century. A few of my favorite Lennon songs written for The Beatles are "A Day In the Life," "Strawberry Fields Forever," "Ticket to Ride," "I Feel Fine," "Don't Let Me Down," "Happiness is a Warm Gun," "Yer Blues," "Girl," "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away," "Across the Universe (Anthology version), and "In My Life." He put out some good solo music, too: "Imagine," of course, "Jealous Guy," and "Mother," which is perhaps the most painfully emotional song ever written; during the chorus, Lennon sings "Mommy don't die, daddy come home."
In my opinion, Lennon was the first "rock star," at least in terms of how we define "rock stars" today. Sure, there was Elvis before Lennon. But, as I see it, Lennon was the first rock star who ingested ridiculous amounts of all kinds of drugs: first there were "Bennys," (something like speed) which the band used to take during their early, early years while they lived and performed in Germany. Next, there was pot -- and we can all thank Mr. Bob Dylan for introducing Lennon and the rest of The Beatles (and quite possibly America as a whole. If you think about it, The Beatles, in a very underground way, sort of popularized pot and other drugs just because they took them, and because they were so famous) to that. After pot came the accidental acid trip (Lennon, along with fellow Beatle George Harrison, were dosed by a dentist at a dinner party. The two -- and their wives -- had no idea what was going on, or why they had begun to see massive walls of fire, etc.) that led to...well, let's just say a LOT of subsequent acid trips. And after that, it was pretty much...whatever was around. Oh, and don't forget his horrible heroin addiction. He rode that one out for a while, too.
Well, I really got a little carried away with the drugs there (as tends to happen, especially with my heroin. God, I love heroin). But I had other things to say about Lennon being the first real "rock star." In a nutshell, he was the first super-mega famous rock star to enthusiastically rebel as hard as he could against the establishment...yeah, blah, whatever.
All that I really wanted to say was this:
Lennon has been one of my biggest heroes since I was about thirteen or fourteen years old. He was murdered on December 8, 1980 by some psychopath who thought that he was Holden Caulfield. Dude was holding a copy of The Catcher in the Rye after he shot Lennon, watching him die outside of the Dakota apartment in New York City, just waiting for the police to come and take him away.
Here is a song that Lennon wrote that you might not have heard before. It's off of the second Anthology, and it's always been one of my favorites. It's called "Yes It Is." I don't think many people know it.
And here is another of my favorites, "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." The clip is from the movie "Help."
Here is an acoustic demo of "Strawberry Fields Forever."
Here is "Happiness is a Warm Gun."
And finally, here is a song that not many people know, because the band only put it out as a B-side (I think it was the B-side for "The Long and Winding Road," which was the bands last original release. So in a way, it's kind of the last thing the Beatles ever put out. It's mostly a joke; it's basically The Beatles fucking around in the studio...I'm assuming they were high. But it's a strangely great song.
Happy birthday John Lennon.