Friday, June 20, 2008

I'm Off to the Pub.

I'm heading to Ireland (to hang out with Nicole Kidman) and so this blog will be on hiatus until the very end of July, when I return to America. My phone will be out of commission as well, but I will be checking e-mails. Happy 4th of July and all the rest...


Happy Birthday Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman is my All-Time-Hall-of-Fame #1. It's really her work in the 1990s that made me fall in love with her.

Happy Birthday, Nicole. I'm going to be in Dublin fow a while just in case you are going to be in the area. You can show me the pubs and show me where you filmed "Far and Away." I'm expecting an e-mail.
#1 of All Time.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Happy Birthday Paul McCartney

Sometimes I hate Paul McCartney. But in the end, he is a Beatle, so my hatred is really love disguised as hate.

Paul turns 66 today. Happy Birthday Paul. Here is a demo of a Paul song called "Junk." Paul released this as a solo artist after the Beatles broke up, but this demo was recorded in the late sixties. I think it was intended to be a Beatles song. It's a great song, most people probably haven't heard it before. You can find it on the Beatles third anthology. The quality of this video isn't so great, p.s.

Happy Birthday Paul.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Idiocy is not a disorder.

Even if it is genetic.

I really hope that her doctor, upon hearing this girl's story, said this:

"Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, you've got a sleeping disorder there. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Bad one, too. Yup. OK -- welp, just let me write this down in my little notebook here and, umm...OK, all set. Yeah, by the way, there are a lot of weird disorders popping up right now. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Like right now, after talking to you for a few minutes, I just came down with a real serious case of Idon'tgiveafuck-edness. Yeah, yeah. I know. Also, my secretary was just telling me that she thinks that she might have come down with a case of you'reafuckingmoron-ington's syndrome. Yeah, yeah. I know. It's too bad, really."

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Sunday Music

Here are a couple of my favorite Rolling Stones songs. I got them off of youtube and really can't vouch for any of the content of the videos...I just like to listen to them and I don't really care what's on the videos.

My all-time favorite Stones song: Let it Loose, off of Exile on Main Street (1972-ish). I don't know what these people are doing in the video. And I didn't watch the whole thing, so...

Another great one: Heartbreaker (Doo doo doo doo doo). Off of Goat's Head Soup, (1974-ish). Currently obsessed with this one. Listen to the lyrics.

Classic: Can't You Hear Me Knocking? Off of Sticky Fingers (1971-ish). It's Keith Richards basically destroying everyone.

Monkey Man. Off of Let it Bleed, 1969. The Beatles said Let It Be and then the Stones said Let It fucking Bleed. Kicks ass.

Next one is a Keith Richards selection. He sings "You Got the Silver," off of Beggar's Banquet (1969ish).

Last one is another Keith selection, a song you may have never heard before. It's called "Thru and Thru" and it's off of Voodoo Lounge (1994). It gets pretty cheesy at the end, but the first four minutes make it one of my underground favorites. And if you think that Keith is about to keel over and die as he is singing, just remember that it was recorded almost 15 years ago. He will outlive us all.

Video is from the sopranos. The show featured the song once.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

R. Kelly

The R stands for Rapist Extraordinaire.

"Hey. Maybe you could have your dad drop you off at my place at about seven. We'll have some dinner, pop in a disney movie, I'll throw some vodka into your Kool-Aid. I'll rape you, we'll film it, and then you can call your dad for a ride home."

Scumbag belongs in jail. Prisoners operate under their own laws, and the hardcore ones don't take too kindly to people who fuck with kids.

R. Kelly: Rapist Extraordinaire


Friday, June 6, 2008

"Shut Up In Your Face"

My friend Andy and I have been saying this for about a month now. I originally heard it on the radio...some sports figure said it (Ozzie Guillen? Carlos Zambrano? I don't know). Whoever said it was Latin American and had an accent. We say it with the accent. This is sort of how it is supposed to be pronounced:


Pronounce it very quickly and somewhat aggresively. Say it, it's the best.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Happy Birthday Bob Probert

Today (Thursday), former Blackhawks forward Bob Probert celebrates his forty-third birthday. Probert is an NHL cult hero known mostly for beating the living hell out of people. He is also infamous for his severe drug and alcohol abuse. At one point I believe he was busted trying to drive through the Canadian/American border wearing only a pair of whitey-tighteys in a car filled with about a dozen emtpy bottles of Jack Daniels and a bunch of coke.

I should note that Probert (or Probey, as he was lovingly and disgustingly called by his teammates and fans) has been MIA for quite some time now. Nobody knows where he is, or if he is even still alive. I heard an interview on the radio about a year ago with former Blackhawks defenseman Chris Chelios in which Chelios informed the audience that he was very worried about Probert because he had fallen off the sobriety wagon, was back to binging on coke, booze, and whatever else, and was literally missing. I don't even know if he has resurfaced yet; I don't think that he has. He could be dead, but no one really knows.

Happy birthday, Probey!

Here is a video of Probert beating the hell out of Tie Domi back in 1992, when Probert played for the Detroit Red Wings. Probert is #24 in the red jersey.

Guess What the White Sox are Listening to in the Clubhouse?

That's right. I just heard an interview on the radio with John Danks after last night's game, and the team had this song blaring in the background. I'm assuming that Crede and A.J. were behind this one...Maybe they are getting that old feeling back again. Here it is in all of it's Sopranos glory. As a bonus, this video features possible top-five girl Jamie-Lynn Sigler. I highly reccommend watching this video all the way through, as both the song and the final scene from the Sopranos rule.

p.s. I acknowledge that it is somewhat pathetic that I have grown to love this song since the late summer/fall of 2005, but whatever. The Sopranos gave it some respectability.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

My #1 of the Day

Sloane, from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Granted, she didn't age well. But still. I'd steal a Ferrari if it meant hanging out with her all day, too.

Your Daily Quote

"Hey, Steven. I'm on a pay phone. If you're there, pick up. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Ok, well, call me back."

-Chip Douglas (played by Jim Carrey) in the highly underrated film The Cable Guy

Cable Guy!

As the rain continues to spoil my work plans for the day (week, year...) it also continues to inspire a boredom within me so great that I feel the urge to write on this blog. Maybe this is the rain that Travis Bickle was speaking of, who knows.

I dedicated my day today to yelling at Comcast employees. At certain points I crossed the line and began yelling at them for all of their various intellectual deficiencies instead of the original reason I was calling, which was that for the second time in about three months one of their super-on-the-right-track cable guys inadvertantly disconnected my cable and internet service whilst trying to disconnect one of my neighbor's (hey, numbers are tough. "Apt #8" looks a hell of a lot like Apt #1"). And apparently they didn't have time (or couldn't remember where I lived, or what we were talking about) to send one of their cable guys to perform the difficult task of pushing the lever in his van to lift up the ladder and then climbing up the ladder to re-attach my service. That really pissed me off, especially when I passed by a Comcast van two blocks away from my place while I was on the way to the store.

My favorite part of this whole experience was when I would reach a customer service representative (a.k.a., someone who is too dumb to even work as a cable guy) and take about five minutes explaining what my problem was, including a summary of my last conversation with the previous customer service representative, only to have them say, over and over again, "I understand. We need to solve this problem. Hold on one second."

And then, after about two minutes of hold music, a new voice would say this:

"Thank you for calling Comcast, what can I help you with?"

To which I eventually started to reply:

"Yes, hello. I am wondering if there is someone in the building with a high school diploma or some otherwise equivalent document?"

Here are a few other things that I said to the Comcast people today:

"I would thank you, but I don't really know what I would be thanking you for."

"Well, thanks for...almost nothing."

"Yes, I will take that discount. But still..."

"If you can just bring over a ladder I can do this myself."

"Do any of you people actually exist? Am I actually talking to a real person?"

"Yes, I will take that discount. But still..."

"Can you give me any reason that I should not discontinue my service with your company?"

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. This is the stupidest company I've ever dealt with. That is a stupid way to set up a company."

"Yes, I will take that discount. But still..."

"Ok. So how are you going to compensate me for what can only be described as your moronic incompetence."

"You do realize that if we don't get this taken care of tonight, I'm not going to be around for this appointment tomorrow, and so when I get back in a few days I'm just going to have to call you back and we're just going to have to do this again...Uh huh...OK...Alright then, I'll talk to you in a few days. Bye."

"Yes, hi. I'm calling because I'm wondering why you are an idiot and why your company is made up of a bunch of morons."

Ok, so maybe I didn't say that last one. But I came pretty close. And don't forget, tomorrow is an entirely new day for them to enrage me.

You know, son...there are a lot of idiotic jackasses in the world. Most of them work for the cable company.

Hillary Clinton: Shut Up In Your Face

*I am an Obama person. I have always liked Obama more than Hillary and was pulling for him to win the Democratic primary this whole time. That being said, I would have been fine (if slightly disappointed) if Hillary would have won this thing. I think that Hillary would have made an excellent president...I just happen to believe that Obama will be an even better one. Hillary ran a great campaign, and this was a great race the whole way through.

Just a few things that Hillary Clinton would like to see change:

1. Mathematics

Mathematics has always been bullshit, and just because Barack Obama has mathematically eliminated Hillary Clinton from the Democratic primary election doesn't mean that this shit is over. Seriously, math sucks and I have never bought the argument put forth by so many members of the Math Cult over the years that it is a reliable source of verifiable data and information. Seriously, can you coun't to one billion? Not enough time, you say? Hmmm, interesting. Then how do you know that all of those big numbers are really there? You don't. Mathematics=hippie idealism.

2. America's Centuries-Old Voting System:

Sure, it has elected our presidents and presidential candidates for centuries now. But think about this: none of those candidates have ever been Hillary Clinton. UNTIL NOW. It seems obvious to me that our system is finally showing its age, what with Hillary Clinton's defeat, and all. Sure, sure...Hillary Clinton won the popular vote (if the popular vote consists only of states that she won the primaries of, a state in which her competitor was not even on the ballot, and does NOT include states in which caucuses were held or states in which she lost primary elections). So I guess we should just change the way our country elects its leaders just because Hillary didn't win. Look, people--this system has worked up to this point, but it is obviously flawed if it didn't ensure Hillary Clinton the nomination of her party. Needs to be changed. Needs to be changed fast.

3. Reality:

Hey, just because it is an accepted fact that Hill has lost and Obama has won doesn't mean that this

For reals. All that we have to do is alter our definition of reality. In this case, we need to not concentrate on the reality in which Obama has won the nomination and start to concentrate on Hillary Clinton's fantasy-land reality. Hillary -- the brave pioneer of this anti-reality -- has paved the way for us all to do this by not conceding the race (ummm, by the way...concession speeches are speeches in which the presumptive loser acknowledges the fact that she has lost before the race is officially over. It's considered to be a graceful way to lose, and it's a little late for that. Go ahead and comment on your loss if you want to, though).

I suggest that you all do what I have done and start living in Hillary Clinton's Anti-Reality. It's pretty cool here. You can literally just make stuff up, and it becomes true and real. For example, I just made up the fact that I make out with Scarlett Johannssen all of the time, and its true. Also, my high school crush just called to tell me that she's always loved me. I'm rich, famous, and incredibly handsome. I have an endless supply of James Bond suits (since I am a secret agent) that I throw out each night when I change into my Chicago White Sox uniform so that I can hit 5-5 against the Yankees and pitch a perfect game every night. After each game I take a left and I am in Australia hanging out with Crocodile Dundee, just having a few beers. Funny story...once I had to save HIM from a crocodile...anyways...Usually after that I am pretty tired so I go over to Penelope Cruz's place and have a sleepover with her and Salma Hayek. And after that we just pretty much do whatever we want. It's pretty up in the air at that point.

It's pretty cool.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

My #1 of the Day

Audrina Partridge, again. The obsession continues.

Shits and Giggles

Just for shits and giggles, here is Keith Richards' mug shot.

Your Daily Quote

I have to paraphrase this one because I don't remember exactly what the reporter asked. Mick's answer, though, is just about verbatim.

Reporter: "Do you ever find it tempting to just blow off one of your shows? You know, you've got all of the tickets sold...Do you ever want to just forget about the fans and not show up?"

Mick: "Yeah, sometimes it's tempting. Like the other day, when we were in jail..."

-A mid 1970's Mick Jagger (from Martin Scorcese's new film about the Rolling Stones, Shine a Light)


One of my great obsessions of the last six months or so was the idea that Travis Bickle (from Martin Scorcese's 1976 film, Taxi Driver) is a revamped and more modern version of J.D. Salinger's Holden Caulfield from the 1951 novel The Catcher in the Rye. I wrote my final paper for one of my classes this semester on this topic. Click here to read the paper...hopefully the link will work.

I also discovered a story entitled "This Sandwich Has No Mayonnaise." It was written by Salinger in the late 1940's (I believe) and gives us an insight as to what happened to Holden Caulfield as he grew up. The story is narrated by Holden's brother, Vincent Caulfield. How is it possible, you ask, that this story, which was written a few years before The Catcher in the Rye was published, could reveal what happened to Holden after the narrative for Catcher ends? Good question. The answer is that a good deal (not sure how much) of Catcher was serialized in a magazine (Esquire?) beginning in 1945 or so (or at least some stories about Holden Caulfield were). So Salinger was already very familiar with his character.

One day a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the streets.

If you have't seen Taxi Driver, rent it. For real.

I'm Back for the Day

I'm back for one day or maybe more depending on how quickly I lose interest in doing this again. I'm assuming that that will be pretty quick. Anyways, I'm back, bitches.

I stopped writing on here mostly because I was busy with final papers and such but also because I got bored of this blog. But...since I don't have much to do today because of the rain, I figured what the hell. Boredom defeats me once again. Boredom has total control over my life at every moment. I'm even bored when I'm sleeping.

Here is what is new since my last post:

-I finished up the semester well and was officially accepted into the NIU Teacher Certification program

-My insurance company decided to screw me over for the second time (actually that one is still pending but I've come to realize that most companies/bureaucracies (however you spell that)/dickwads won't think for two seconds before deciding to screw you when there is money involved, so I'm not really expecting any ethical behavior out of them).

-I'm getting ready for my Ireland trip. I leave on June 21 and get back on July 28. Rules.

-The White Sox are in first place. The pitching staff has been great but the team can't hit, except for Rookie of the Year and future Hall of Famer Carlos Quentin.

That's about all that is new and interesting in my life, which is both pathetic and sad.

Yup, sooo...