Monday, March 31, 2008

My #1 of the Day

Kate Moss. I don't care if she's a crackhead. I've always liked her.

Your Daily Quote

"Personally, I think we got hosed on that call."

-Bob Uecker, from Major League (the movie)

Mind-Numbingly Stupid People of the Day:

The umpiring crew that hosed the White Sox in Cleveland today. See below.

White Sox Recap: We Got Hosed

The White Sox opened the season up in Cleveland today, and things started off pretty well when Jim Thome knocked out a two-run homer in the 1st.

But things fell apart, as they tend to do, in the second inning. Mark Beuhrle allowed seven runs before being chased out of the game after recording only five total outs. The Hawkaroo kept on saying that most of the damage could have been avoided if new shortstop Orlando Cabrera could have handled a tough hop. He was probably right, but it didn't help that Beuhrle couldn't get anybody out after that play. The Indians hit everything he threw at them in the 2nd...and they hit it hard.

Things started looking up again in the 3rd when Thome hit his second two-run shot of the day, and, after reliever Nick Masset strung together a few solid, scoreless innings, it felt as thoughn the momentum was on our side again. That translated into three more runs and a tie ballgame in the late innings.

Then we started to get hosed.

Hosing #1: The 1st base ump called Pierzynski out at first even though the Indians' first baseman appeared to pull his foot off of the bag before he caught the ball. That should have been a run for the Sox. At least A.J. stepped on the 1st baseman's back with his spikes during the play, though.

Hosing #2: In a close play at the plate, the home plate ump called Joe Crede out, even though replays showed that he was clearly safe. The catcher missed the tag, no question. That should have been a run for the Sox.

Hosing #3: Orlando Cabrera gets called for interference while breaking up a double play at 2nd base, nullifying a run that would have scored and ending the inning. Earlier in the game, an Indians base runner had broken up a double play on the White Sox in a similar fashion, but didn't get called for it. Both Cabrera's slide and the Indians player's slide were clean plays...Sure, they were tough, physical slides that were obviously designed to knock the respective shortsops off-balance and break up the double plays, but that is how you are supposed to play baseball. The rule is that as long as you touch the base during your slide, you can go after the defender. Cabrera touched the base with his frigging knees.

After all of that, the Indians scored three runs in the 8th off of Octavio Dotel (who I am predicting will be this year's Damaso Sharte) and ended up winning 10-8.

As I said, we got hosed. We should have gotten the victory at the Jake today, and we didn't because of the umpires. And don't give me that "You can't blame it all on the umpires!" business...I know that you aren't going to win many games in which you give up 10 runs. But the bottom line is, if the umps had made the correct calls (or even SOME of the correct calls), it's a different ballgame. The Indians' three-run eighth might never have happened.

All in all, though, I liked what I saw from the White Sox today. Thome looked great with the two home runs. Swisher looks like he's going to be an exciting player. Konerko had a few bad at-bats but came through in the clutch late in the game. Dye had a dinger. Cabrera looks like he'll be a great weapon both offensively and defensively (minus the bad hop in the 2nd). A.J. looked tough as nails, as always. Crede looked inferior at the plate in his first at bats, but ended up breaking out of his shell with a huge clutch double in the later innings. And Masset was lights out in relief.

Some question marks, though:

I'm giving Beuhrle a pass on this one. It's one bad start...let's not make a habit out of it.

Alexei Ramirez looks like he's got the tools to be a great player, but he might be immature. He did not look good at the plate.

And then there is Octavio Dotel. Something just tells me that this guy is going to piss me off all year long. He needs a nickname, like when we started calling Damaso Marte "Sharte," or when we started calling Luis Vizcaino "Vizcai-oh-no." Suggestions?

New Hawk Harrelsonism that emerged in the game: "Teck!" Hawk shouted this when he was really mad at the umpires for hosing us. "Teck!" I like it. "Teck!"

Darrin Jackson update: D.J. was filled with even more rage than usual today, what, with the hosing and all.

Stone Pony/Farmio booth: Caught a couple innings of those guys today...sounded great.

Current Sox record: 0-1.


My #1 of the Day

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews. Erin picked Kansas to win it all in her bracket, making her hot AND smart.

I, on the other hand, picked Erin Andrews to win my bracket. Think about that one.

Seriously, look at her...she is super hot, AND she is a sports reporter!

Erin Andrews.

Your Daily Quote

"It's March Madness, baby!"

-Dick Vitale

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Things that I did while watching the KU-Davidson game today


-crapped my pants

-felt a little dumb when people outside of my window were watching me scream at the television

-developed an ulcer

-cussed out Roy Williams

-cussed out Stephen Curry

-cussed out Carmelo Anthony, just for the hell of it

-called people who were on the television "bitches"
-punched air

-consciously decided to stop saying "Come on, guys" to the TV because every time I had said it, something bad had happened

-told Roy Williams (through the miracle of television) that we were coming to get him, bitch

Thursday, March 27, 2008

My #1 of the Day

Christina Applegate.

Christina Applegate is really hot on her own. But then, a few months ago, DeWolf pointed out that she is a blonde version of Steph, who is a bartender that we are both in love with (she is in both of our Top Five Real Girls of All Time Lists...I think she might even be #1 on DeWolf's list). They looks exactly alike, except one is a blonde and the other is a brunette.

So, although Christina Applegate is technically My #1 of the Day, I guess you could say that My Real #1 of the Day is Steph.

Your Daily Quote

"Why don't you learn how to drive, pal?"

-Ace Ventura (Pet Detective)

Mind-Numbingly Stupid Person of the Day

Dude who drove in the passing lane of a two lane highway all the way from Dekalb to Naperville doing about 65. When I would try to pass him, he would speed up and trap me. Then when I got back into the PASSING lane, behind him, he would slow down. He got the finger.

I'm assuming he was on his way to a mobile home of some sort. Hey dude, why don't you save us all some time and just call that show "Cops," just to, you know, just to kind of say "Hey, I live here, in this trailer park. I don't really have anything planned, but I just thought that, you know, just in case. Maybe you guys need some time to set up, or something. I don't know. Anyways, I'll be here. Bye."

Book Review: World's End, by T.C. Boyle

World's End is the book in which I discovered the word apostasy...

World's End is...good, I guess. Although it is pretty weird. There are two plots (kind of...). One takes place in the mid 20th Century, and the other takes place in the late 17th Century.

The 20th Century plot deals with Walter Van Brunt, who is a drugged out, alcoholic hippie living in the 1960s. Walter loses one of his feet in the beginning of the novel (dismemberment is, for some reason, a major theme in the book). He basically takes a bunch of drugs, sleeps with some women, and tries to find his father, who had abandoned the family when Walter was young.

The 17th Century plot deals with Walter's ancestors, who were immigrants to America. They have a tough time in the New World. Jeremias Van Brunt, Walter's direct ancestor, also loses a foot (again with the dismemberment).

You know what, screw it. Maybe I would rather lose a foot than read this pile of crap again.

Oh yeah, and there is some stupid bullshit in their about communism vs. capitalism. Yeah, because people talk about that all of the time. I was actually just talking with this really hot girl, and she asked me if I wanted to go home with her. I said, "Maybe. But don't you think we should discuss our feelings on global economic systems first?" Gotta be safe.

Book Review: Trailerpark, by Russel Banks

Trailerpark was published in the early 1980s. The book is a collection of about 10 short stories that are all related to each other. The stories revolve around the 10 or 12 oddball characters that live in a trailerpark in New Jersey. One woman breeds guinea pigs in her trailer, and the guinea pigs end up taking control of her life because they reproduce so quickly. One young man is an "intellectual" (even though he's got life all wrong) and a drug dealer. One young woman is just straight up crazy and makes horrible decisions in her relationships.

Trailerpark is entertaining, but it isn't (in my opinion) ground breaking. If you are looking for a quick, light read, this book would probably get the job done. It's not going to blow your mind, though.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

My #1 of the Day

Alyssa Milano.

Who's the Boss? I don't know, you tell me.

Your Daily Quote

Lloyd: "Uh, excuse me, Flo? [stifles laughter] Uh, what's the Soup Du Jour?"

Flo: "It's the soup of the day."

Lloyd: "Mmmm, that sounds good. I'll have that."

-Lloyd Christmas, from Dumb and Dumber

Mind-Numbingly Stupid Person of the Day

My racist English professor, who finally crossed the line tonight (in my book) when she announced that "Irish people are stupid."

Every night -- and that is not an exaggeration -- every night I walk out of that class with my two friends and we talk about how shocked we were at the number of prejudiced things she said during class that had just ended. She stereotypes every single person in the class, every one of her friends or colleagues that she tells us about, and every single character in the books that we read. The motivation behind someone's actions always breaks down to their ethnicity, or their sexual orientation (she is a lesbian, and apparently she feels that this gives her the right to make fun of homosexuals and use homosexual slurs).

How the hell did you get your job?

My #1 of the Day

Kelly Kapowski, since we are on the subject of Saved By the Bell anyways. And I don't care what your real name is -- I'm calling you Kelly Kapowski.

Found a New Word.


Apostasy is generally defined (from what I can tell) as the abandonment of one's beliefs/values/morals.

I found this word last night as I was reading a book by T.C. Boyle entitled World's End. It came up when the main character of the book, Walter Van Brunt, hallucinates a biker gang that is chasing him while he rides his motorcycle in a drunken, drugged-out rage. The name of the biker gang is the Apostates, which is stitched onto their leather jackets.

I didn't know what it meant, so I looked it up. A lot of the definitions that I found had a lot to do with religion (the abandonment of one's religious beliefs), but it also has to do with one's general morals and values. I think that I might try to come up with a story about someone who experiences a sort of radical, violent apostasy (not to sound like Screech-Bitch) that is not really very religious in its nature. I have no idea how I would do that, though.

So now I have two favorite words: usurper and apostasy.

Your Daily Quote

"We mustn't disturb the delicate genius!"

-George Costanza

Monday, March 24, 2008

Mind-Numbingly Stupid Person of the Day

Screech-Bitch from my English class. I call her Screech-Bitch because she looks like Screech from Saved by the Bell, and she is a bitch. Here is something that you may not know about Grad School: there is a subculture of people in it who are desperately trying to appear to be as smart as they possibly can, regardless of how smart they actually are. These people are frightened, paranoid, empty souls who cannot make meaningful connections with anyone (or really achieve anything that is genuine) because the only things that they know how to concern themselves with are making sure that they are filled with information that they probably don't understand and making sure that they can relate this information to others in a way that the others won't understand, and yet beleive that these intellectual nazis do (when really they don't).

Screech-Bitch is actually very intelligent -- in the "bookish" sense of the word. Screech-Bitch's main problem is that she is constantly spewing out the latest literary hot-words and jargon, like neo-classicism, anti-fascism, relative pseudo-narrationary tactics, and some other bullshit like that (just incase you're wondering, I made those terms up. If they actually exist, I have no idea what they mean, nor do I care to).

Screech-Bitch's other problem is that whenever she speaks up in class, she speaks very quietly, so that you have to strain your ears to hear her. I have heard her speak outside of class, and she actually has a very loud, booming (man)voice. This leads me to believe that Screech-Bitch is speaking so softly in class in some sort of sick, twisted, and bizarre attempt at making everyone else "work" in order to hear what the "delicate genius" has to say. Obviously, I have taken to shuffling my papers around and making whatever subtle noises I can make at my desk when she speaks in order to drown out whatever the hell kind of anticolonialist-neurotechnical-Foucaultian-Heideggerian-Eagletonian bullshit Screech-Bitch is talking about that she doesn't even understand in the first place.

Hey Screech-Bitch: Congratulations. You know a bunch of big words that only about 100,000 people in the world care about, and you are a "delicate genius." Here is an idea: why don't you shave the S.O.S. pad off of your head, use it to scrape the ugly off of your face, and then shut the hell up. I would tell that to her face, but I'm afraid that she would call me some sort of rabid, anti-feminist, supermaterialistic, fascist, untimpated, cheauvenistic, collarlessist, molecularian, atomic weight-maintaining, ultra-fire inducing, pregnancy-scandalistic, orb.

Book Review: Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen

The first 75 pages were the literary equivalent of Chinese Water Torture. I'm assuming that the remaing 400 pages are even worse. I'll never know, though, because I am never, EVER, going to pick up another Jane Austen novel for as long as I live. "Oh, father! Might I have a lark and make for a stroll by the water's edge with sister? Oh please, father! May I?" Shut the hell up, you stupid Nineteenth Century bitch.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

My #1 of the Day

Audrina Partridge, or, as she is more widely known, "That girl from that show 'The Hills.'"

Audrina has been a curiosity of mine for some time now. I have always thought that she was really hot... potentially even top five or top ten material. But I just never really researched it -- I just kind of thought that one day I would seriously take a long look at Audrina and decide whether or not I love her or not, which I thought that I did.

Well, that day came when Audrina got naked for some magazine, or some old photos of her surfaced, or something like that. And all I have to say right now is "Audrina Partridge, I think I love you. So what am I so afraid of?"

She may have cracked the top five. As a matter of fact, I am putting her in contention for the number one spot.

This week I am going to give my top five some serious thought. There are a lot of girls who have been trying to break into it for a while now. I will be announcing my new top five sometime this week, after an appropriate amount of thought has been wasted on it.

Your Daily Quote

"That's what you said, George. You said 'We're taking a vacation from ourselves.'"

-Jerry Seinfeld

Back In the Saddle

I'm Back in the Saddle Again.

New posts starting tomorrow. Sorry about the extended absence; in the words of George Costanza, I was taking a vacation from myself. But I am back now.

And don't worry...I still think that Steven Tyler is a freak. Even though Aerosmith does have some amazing songs.

AND...just to let you know...Joe Perry doesn't really play very many of the solos on Aerosmith records. The other guy does, and Perry gets the credit, because he's got the rock and roll look. Joe Perry is the biggest sham in rock music. He's all look.
Back in the saddle.
p.s. Darrin Jackson update: he has been in Arizona for the past few weeks with the White Sox, and he has been filled with rage for that entire time.

Monday, March 10, 2008

I have a favorite word now

And that word is usurper. You can thank James Joyce for that.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Pick or scratch?

Mark Beuhrle: Pick or scratch?

My #1 of the Day

Jamie Lynn Sigler. She played Tony Soprano's daughter on "The Sopranos" and she's got that "I'm so sweet that I don't even know how hot I am" thing going for her, which is a personal favorite of mine.

Mind-Numbingly Stupid People of the Day

The frat boys whose frat houses surround my apartment building, for playing that ee-booch music (thank you Rich Mitchell) really loud all night long last night. While I can see the genius in your plan, as you seem to have attracted a large number of sorority girls to your party, I also saw all of those girls heading back to their sororities at about 11:30, leaving you with a bunch of dudes with pink shirts, popped collars, and self-esteem issues hanging out and listening to the ee-booch music for the rest of the night. You had the girls in the house, so what happened? Maybe you should try to not be such douche-bags...then maybe you could get the drunken sorority girls to stay at you place past 11:30 at night.

Memo: Loud ee-booch music only means one thing, and that is, "I have nothing to offer."

Dumbasses! Learn.

Your Daily Quote

"You gotta commit to the Indian."

-Blackhawks head coach Denis Savard

3-7-08: Today is Dedicated to:

Flipping back and forth between the Blackhawks game and the Bulls game, hoping that the Hawks win and continue their push for the playoffs and that the Bulls lose and continue their push for the #1 pick in the NBA draft. It's all about the ping pong balls, people. Michael Beasley.

Darrin Jackson Update

Darrin Jackson is in Arizona today for split-squad spring training White Sox games, and he is filled with rage.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

My #1 of the Day

Victoria Beckham.

She's fake as hell, she's way too skinny, and I'll bet that she is a huge bitch.

Love her.

Mind-Numbingly Stupid Person of the Day

Hillary Clinton.

I'm okay with Hillary, and I would be okay if she was the president. I would vote for her if she wins the Democratic nomination. But I am an Obama person.

The problem with Hillary is that polls have consistently shown that she would lose an election against John McCain, while Obama would win against McCain. I know polls aren't always 100% accurate, and that anyone can run for president as long as they have the votes from their party's primaries. But come on, Hillary. I know that you really, really, really want to be president...but if you win the democratic nomination, you are making it very likely that McCain will be in the White House next January. Obama can beat him, so drop out of the race and let him. Its nothing personal, I like you...but you aren't going to beat McCain, and Obama will. Don't ruin the Democrats' chances.

Your Daily Quote

"If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick."

-Garth Algar

3-6-08: Today is Dedicated to:

Enjoying the fact that spring break has officially begun. DeWolf has the same spring break, and he is coming back to town for a while. Which means...


Darrin Jackson Update

Darrin Jackson is in Arizona today for the White Sox-Rangers game, and he is filled with rage.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

My #1 of the Day

Penelope Cruz, AGAIN. She is currently under consideration for the position of my #1 overall. I'll let you know.

Your Daily Quote

"It's like invading Wisconsin."

-John Winger, from Stripes

Mind-Numbingly Stupid Person of the Day

The two dudes at the liquor store who poisoned the air with the seventeen bottles of cologne they were wearing. News flash, bro: Now you smell like ass AND a douchebag. Learn it.

But what about Brett...Fav...ruh...

Brett Favre retired from the NFL yesterday. And as much as I hate him for ruining 16-19 Sundays of my life each year for the past 17 years, I have to admit, he is one of the best quarterbacks ever. Somehow, I feel like I might actually miss Fav-ruh. But that is probably because the Bears are going to suck forever.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Just to let you know

I started reading James Joyce's Ulysses, widely regarded as one of the best English language novels ever written. It is also widely regarded as one of the most difficult English language novels ever written. Joyce, as a matter of fact, was once quoted as saying that he intentionally made Ulysses as difficult as he possibly could in order to confuse professors and keep critics arguing for centuries to come.

Stephen Dedalus is a character in Ulysses. Dedalus was the main character in Joyce's A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, which I loved.

I am only about 30 pages in but I am already enthralled. The characters are very real and the writing is far. Its going to be a while before I finish it (it's a slow read as it is, and it's also almost 700 pages long), but I'll keep you posted.

Book Review: The Gathering, by Anne Enright


The Gathering, written by Irish author Anne Enright, is the story of a large Irish family that is coping with the suicide of Liam, one of the twelve children in the family. The narrator, Victoria, gets all depressed about the suicide, some horrible family secrets emerge, and...blah, blah, blah. Nothing really mind blowing happens in the book. Enright won the prestigious booker Award in 2007 for The Gathering. For me, at least, it is a saving grace that this is Irish literature, because I am obsessed with Irish literature. But, I have to say...

If you want to read some amazing Irish literature, try Brian Friel or James Joyce.

Your SECOND Daily Quote

"Fastball, down the middle, ball one."

-Ed Farmer

Special thanks to my sister for bringing this one to my attention

Your Daily Quote

"The Stone Pony!"

-The Hawkaroo

3-4-08: Today is Dedicated To:

The Stone Pony!

The Chicago Tribune is reporting that Steve Stone will replace inexperienced color man Chris Singleton and join Ed Farmer on the radio dial for White Sox broadcasts this season. In my opinion, this makes the White Sox radio booth the best booth in Chicago sports (although Tom Dore, Johnny "Red" Kerr, and Stacey King have been great this year...and any booth with Neil Funk in it is going to be entertaining).

I do feel that I need to stop for a moment and say this: Sure, Chris Singleton was not very good as a color man. But he was not as bad as...ah, screw it. The Stone Pony!

I think that the White Sox just tacked on 20 more wins for this season, because even if we "lose," Stony should be able to talk the umpires out of it and make them see that if you think about it logically, we actually won.

The Stone Pony!

Monday, March 3, 2008

My #1 of the Day

Anne Bancroft. I've been reading Neil Simon's "The Prisoner of Second Avenue," which is a play that she starred in in the 1970s. Mrs. Robinson.

Mind-Numbingly Stupid Person of the Day

Darrin Jackson. He takes the art of not having a personality to a whole new level. In my opinion, he is secretly filled with rage. Are you filled with rage, Darrin Jackson?
"Yes-a-roonie there partnerino. Got a little rage-a-rooskie coarsing through my veins, there."

Your Daily Quote

"So, here comes the Ozzaroo."

-Hawk Harrelson

3-3-08: Today is Dedicated To:

Sitting back, relaxing, and strapping it down.

Today was the first televised spring training game for the White Sox and so, of course, I had to tune in. The game is actually still going on, I think the Sox are up 5-3 in the sixth.

But because the real major leaguers don't play much in early spring training games, there is really only one reason to watch: I need to get my fill of Hawk Harrelson, and I need to direct all of the rage that I have been building up ovedr the winter months towards Darren Jackson.

Today, at precisely 2 p.m., the Hawkaroo, who was wearing one of his classic Hawaiian-style shirts, told me from behind his oversized beak-nose to "sit back, relax, and strap it down." And that is exactly what I did my friends -- I sat back, relaxed, and strapped it down.

I know that a lot of you out there don't like Hawk. I used to be the same way. But you've got to admit - he, along with Ozzie Guillen, is White Sox baseball. Sure, he seems to disappear for innings at a time. And he tends to not say anything during the most exciting plays of the game. But come on -- if you are a White Sox fan, there is nothing better than hearing Hawk's voice crack because he is getting up in years when he shouts "You can put it on the board, YES!" And when you are watching the game at home, you know that you are shouting "STRETCH!" at the TV along with Hawk when there is a long fly ball. And then, when there is a strikeout at an important moment in the game, you know it feels good to yell "HE GONE!" along with Hawk. And nothing compares to those rare moments when Hawk actually swears during the telecasts. Dad Gummit!

And then you've got Darren Jackson, who is basically a less exciting, more dull version of Ned Flanders. If I have to hear him say "Well, hello there, partnerino!" one more time I am going to drive down to 35th and Shields myself and yell at him. Or how about the always exciting "Well, there's a nice little four-bagger for him." Shut up, man. Just let


Sunday, March 2, 2008

Book Review: Jesus' Son, by Denis Johnson

Denis Johnson's Jesus' Son is a collection of about 10 short stories that depict the dull and meaningless life of Fuckhead, who is a heroin addict, a pill popper, an alcoholic, and basically a consumer of any kind of substance that will further numb his already severely dimmed brain. His life has no purpose and he has little to no effect whatsoever on the world. There is no reason for him to be alive, and there is no reason for him to be dead. There is no reason for him to have ever existed, barely anyone knows him, and no one will remember him. He is completely and utterly irrelevant, and this does not change. He does not matter.

The stories are, for the most part, unrelated, aside from the fact that they all revolve around Fuckhead and some other minor characters that pop up continually here and there. I would suggest that Johnson intentionally made the stories seemingly unconnected, purposeless, and, in most cases, somewhat plot-less in order to illustrate the fact that Fuckhead's life is filled with days that have nothing to do with the day before and will have no effect on the following day, that Fuckhead's life has no meaning and that there is really no reason for him to even exist, and that there is no plot or story to his life. Fuckhead is nothing and no one, and this is one of my favorite books.

The title comes from that Velvet Underground song, "Heroin," in which Lou Reed says "I feel just like Jesus' son." I've read this book a few times before, and so this time I tried to take a new angle on it. I have always wondered if Johnson intended Fuckhead to be Jesus' Son in the literal sense -- that is, that Fuckhead was the second coming of Christ, but the world has gone so bad that the Second Coming ends up succumbing and becomes a worthless, pointless heroin addict/alcoholic. I looked for clues, and there are some -- especially in the first story, "Car Crash While Hitchhiking." But, overall, I can't really say that I am convinced. I think that I may just want this to be true when it really isn't. Dan might have something to say about this, for he is not a stranger to the incredibly depressing ways of Denis Johnson.

If you haven't read Jesus' Son, you should drop whatever book you are reading at the moment and pick up a copy. It is a very quick read and I promise that you've never read anything like it before. I warn you, though: prepare to wonder whether or not there is even a point to your existence as you read it, and why the hell you should even go on. But it doesn't matter, anyways.

This book is top five. They also made a movie out of it, starring Billy Crudup, but I haven't seen it for a while so I won't comment much on it. Read the book before you see the movie -- the writing is incredible and the book is better than the film.