Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Can we Impeach this Moron, too?

Bobby Rush: Your decision to continue to see the world through only the lens of racism will forever prevent you from moving past that very thing. I and others like me invite you to join us in the newly-arrived future in which race neither defines nor influences our world, the growth of which is being prevented ironically by your own outdated worldview.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Who is the Dumbest Person of 2008?

I've been thinking about doing this for a while now, and I feel that the time is right to unveil this contest:

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you One More Cup of Coffee For the Road's first annual 'Dumbest Person of the Year' Contest. In this contest, I and you (readers; unfortunately, still only about four of you) will vote, choosing between several yet-to-be-determined candidates in order to determine which of them will be the recipient of the highest honor we have: the coveted Idiot Extraordinaire award.

The recipient of this award will receive, of course, nothing -- well, unless you consider bragging rights, immortal status on this blog, and a seething diatribe written by myself to be nothing. Which, basically, they are.

In addition to these nothings, the elected winner will become the first ever appointee to an institution that I have created, which shall be called The International Association of Legendary Morons. As this contest will be an annual occurrence, taking place during the last month of each year, a second Idiot Extraordinaire shall be appointed to this association in December of 2009, a third in December of 2010, etc.

There will be a trophy; that is, there will be a photo that I find on the Internet that will serve as a trophy that will be awarded to this year's winner.

I think that there is a way to set up an interactive voting thingmabob on my blog, which I will set up as soon as we have decided on all of our candidates. This list of candidates should be completed sometime next week, and so the voting thingmabob should be unveiled on December 18. This will give you (and me) a two week window in which to vote before the winner is unveiled on December 31st.

Now, as for the candidates. I have three candidates in mind, and I urge you to nominate your own candidates as you see fit. The three candidates I have in mind are:

Sarah Palin
Rod Blagojevich
Ashley Todd (Backwards B moron)

OK, let's get to thinking. Who else needs to be on this list?

Chicago is exploding.

Blagojevich is going down. The Trib is nearly drowned. Obama's got the world watching us and we are

not disappointing.

Monday, December 8, 2008


Coming soon are reviews of the following works:

The Inferno, by Dante Alighieri

The Odyssey, by Homer

James Joyce, the biography by Richard Ellman

The Metamorphosis, by Franz Kafka

Also, I am about to embark upon winter vacation, and in keeping with the plan I made upon my return from Ireland in July I am going to dedicate much of this free time to taking my second stab at reading Joyce's Ulysses (hence the Odyssey reading, and the Joyce biography). Ulysses will be my morning/daytime reading, while Ernest Hemingway's In Our Time will be my pre-sleep book. While I figure that it will take me the entire four weeks of winter break to complete Ulysses (that is if I finish it at all), I should be finished with the Hemingway selection rather quickly in comparison. This is the cause of my present difficulty:

What do I read next? For the first time in a long time, I don't have any books "on deck." I would appreciate any suggestions that any of you may have for me, keeping in mind that my taste as of late has found me preferring the classics (the big-time classics, like Homer, Dante, Joyce, and Hemingway, etc. I am not currently interested in "modern" literature, nor am I very much interested in the Dickens kind of crap). I suppose that the most logical solution would be to pick up some more Hemingway, as I have not read much of his work and have become recently intrigued by his writing. But even then I would not know which of his works to select.

Any suggestions? What am I forgetting?


Why should he be in the Hall of Fame?

Ron Santo was denied by the Hall of Fame again today. I do not believe that Ron Santo should ever get into the Hall of Fame. A career batting average of .277 and 342 career home runs are not Hall of Fame numbers. I apologize to Ron Santo, who I actually enjoy listening to on Cubs radio broadcasts and who seems to be a great guy; also, of course, it would be nice to see the man made happy with an induction. But baseball players don't get inducted into the Hall of Fame because they are good guys or loveable characters, or because it would make them happy. Sorry, Cubdom. He should never get in.

A Strange Day Has Found Us.

December 8, 1943: Jim Morrison is born
December 8, 1980: John Lennon is killed

A bunch of other strange coincidences have occurred on this day, as well, but I don't have time.

Friday, December 5, 2008

This is pretty incredible to see

I got this video off of Dlisted. It shows one dog, who had been hit by a car on a highway, being saved by another dog, who drags him to safety. It's actually pretty incredible to watch. Dlisted says that the injured dog survived.

p.s. I know what kind of dog I am going to get when I can afford one (a long time from now): a "red" Golden Retriever. I'm going to name her Penny (full name Penelope, Joyceans/Homerians!). Penny!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Gee, I wonder what city they'll be gunning for this time? They've already gotten New York before, not to mention that New York is not really the epicenter of America anymore. So New York is probably out. I wonder if they will be gunning for the city that has usurped New York as the epicenter (or is at least in the process of doing so, in my opinion) of America? The city that our new president calls home? The city that will be providing said president with countless advisors, etc.? The city that may be hosting the Olympics in 2016?

Fantastic. I'm sick of this!

Thursday, November 20, 2008


I forgot to mention the other day that Nov. 18 was the 30th anniversary of the Jonestown "mass suicide" (or, depending on your view of it, the mass murder) that took place at the command of cult leader Jim Jones.

I saw a documentary on this a while ago and I have to say that this was some crazy Brave New World type of shit. I also have to say that I think Jim Jones was at least as insane as Charlie Manson, if not more so.
In a nutshell, Jonestown was a religious cult that had moved from somewhere in California down to somewhere in South America (what became known as Jonestown). There were apparently about 1,000 followers of this Jim Jones guy, and at least some of them were scared shitless of him.

Here is where it gets to be like Brave New World: Throughout Jonestown were speakers through which Jim Jones would speak for like 10, 12, or more hours per day, telling his people as they worked that America was coming to get them and would try to kill them and destroy them, etc. He would also tell them about how some of the people who had escaped Jonestown and had gone to the media about the scary conditions down there were "liars" and were trying to destroy Jonestown. Jones made all of his followers sign blank documents so that he could type up a contract later and already have their signature on it. Oh, and also, during his sermons, he would make all of his followers drink a "Kool-Aid"-like liquid before telling them that they had just ingested a fatal poison and would be dead in 10 minutes. These came to be known as "suicide drills."

Well, in 1978 an American Congressman went down to Jonestown to investigate what the hell was going on down there. Jones made all of his followers put on a big show, and the congressmen was somewhat satisfied; that is, until, before he was leaving two members of the cult passed him notes (they were separate incidents) that begged him to help them get the figgity-fuck out of there. So the congressman asked if anyone else wanted to leave, and some people did, and so all of the sudden a bunch of people started saying that they wanted to leave.

Well, then Jimmy Jones (who by the way was also super drugged-out) decided to assassinate the congressman (and some others he was with) before he could leave, so he sent out some of his "soldiers." T

After the congressman was killed, Jones got on his microphone and basically said to his cult, "Well, we just murdered an America congressman, so we are pretty much fucked." He told them that the U.S. would be down to Jonestown soon and would surely seek out a bitter revenge. They would destroy Jonestown and kill us all, he said, along with some other fucked up stuff. And he gave them the Kool-Aid, only this time it wasn't a drill.

There are literally audiotapes of Jonestown in the moments after the cult has ingested the Kool-Aid but before they have died, and you can hear Jones commanding a mother to feed her infant child the poison, along with some other stuff.

I believe that there were over 900 people that died from the "Kool-Aid," and I think only five people got out of that place alive.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Happy Birthday Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster turns 46 today. Foster's birthday is worth noting because of her portrayal of Iris, the 13-year-old prostitute in Martin Scorcese's 1976 film, Taxi Driver.

Taxi Driver is the greatest film of all time, hence the birthday mention.

Happy birthday, Jodie Foster.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Superheroes in Real Life, Volume One: Super Alone Guy

From time to time I tend to for no reason whatsoever imagine society as a collection of real-life superheroes. This practice basically started during my teen years, during which I spent a good deal of time reading various biographies of rock and roll legends like Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, and John Lennon. I enjoyed reading these biographies so much that after a while they evolved from simple tales of lives lived into "The Adventures of Such and Such." I was often able to identify in their stories the often unspecified and unidentified "evil" forces that Cobain and the others were fighting their battles against; for example, Cobain's arch nemesis seemed to me to be insincerity (Holden Caulfield's phonies?), while Lennon's seemed to me to be the suppression of the human spirit, and Morrison's seemed to me to be fear in any and all of its various manifestations. The stories of these men's lives became therefore the stories of the respective wars that they fought against their chosen and respective nemeses and enemies. And, in this setting, those stories became more or less battles between good and evil forces. The extreme and outlandish manner in which these battles were fought only added to the intrigue.

Well, I seemed to have developed a habit, because I find myself often categorizing others and attaching to them a "superhero" name and identity. For example: a couple of weeks ago I was at a bar in the city wearing a pair of $4 aviator sunglasses (because I rule in them) that my little brother had previously used as a part of his Police Officer Halloween costume. As I was walking through the bar, a girl in her mid-twenties approached me and grabbed for the sunglasses. She was pretty good looking, and so I let her put them on. I was figuring that this would be a good opportunity to hit on her; that is until she proceeded to just kind of "dance" (and I use those quotation marks loosely) and giggle, and just sort of speak gibberish to me. After I made a few more attempts at conversation to which she "replied" in her accustomed manner I, somewhat dumbfounded, with my mouth hanging open and my eyebrows furrowed downward, mumbled something along the lines of "...yeah...can I just, like, have those back..." To which she replied by employing her continuous giggle and moron dance. She reluctantly handed over the sunglasses.

I nicknamed her "Super Weird Sunglasses Girl."

In addition, I have lately been applying this practice to James Joyce -- as I have during recent months been reading his biography -- and have henceforth nicknamed him "Super Intelligence Guy."

I think you've got it by now.

So without further ado I present to you my latest superhero incarnation: "Super Alone Guy."

I think that we have all been Super Alone Guy at one time or another. I became Super Alone Guy this past Saturday night. I had planned to meet a friend of mine at a local bar at 10 pm. I therefore left my house at about 10:15 (this is how I operate). I walked through the front door of the bar at about 10:30, scanned the place for familiar faces, saw a few (but none to which I would have liked to speak), and so figured that my friend had not yet arrived. I ordered a drink and pulled the classic elbow-lean-on-the-bar move, watching the thirty or so people around me whom I either didn't know or wished I didn't know who had come to the bar equipped with friends and allies to defend against rogue wanderers such as myself who might at any moment infiltrate their zones of operation and therefore skew the vibrations of the evening. Little did they know however that this particular Super Alone Guy was equipped with the superpower of preferring to be alone in most ambiguous friendship situations.

That being said, Super Alone Guy does have his weaknesses, the primary of which is his aptness to appear clingy and in desperate need of companionship (even though, of course, this particular Super Alone Guy had come equipped with the superpower of preferring to be alone in most ambiguous friendship situations; the weakness lies in the fact that that particular superpower is virtually undetectable to all other superheroes). Luckily, though, I carried with me an ace in the hole: I have during my career as a superhero developed a rare superpower which provides me with the ability to make endearing comments to other superheroes whom I have deemed worthy and then turning away and therefore ending the conversation while they are still looking at me, smiling, and waiting for more. This might sound cruel, but it isn't; you must remember that Super Alone Guy is of course not equipped with any of the friends and allies that the rest of the superheroes can employ as defense mechanisms, and that therefore the rest of the superheroes do not need Super Alone Guy -- they might simply find him intriguing or entertaining (or weird, possibly). These comments and subsequent brush-offs -- "social missiles," if you will -- are designed and intended by Super Alone Guy to make it known to the other superheroes that he is not currently in need of their assistance or, in extreme cases, their defensive capabilities. They also enable Super Alone Guy to establish his very own zone of operation, which is an essential element to any Super Alone Guy mission.

At this point in the night, Super Alone Guy suffers a setback: his friend, who has unfortunately earned himself the title of "Super Bail-Out Guy" after years of various no-shows (Super Bail-Out Guy's main superpower is his ability to disappear at any moment, in the blink of an eye) is not showing. Fortunately, however, Super Alone Guy is also blessed with the superpower of super-awesomeness, and had hours previous to the social outing invited Super Cool Guy out to the bar as well. So, after about an hour during which Super Alone Guy has carefully and masterfully established his very own zone of operation, which has earned the respect of the other super heroes, Super Cool Guy shows up, which causes Super Alone Guy's zone of operation to expand exponentially -- even aggressively encroaching on that of the other superheroes who had come equipped with friends and allies to defend them. This dominant and continual expansion gets even stronger minutes later when Super Cool Guy's girlfriend, "Super Hot Girl," shows up along with her friend, "Super Hot Friend Girl."

At this point, most of the other superheroes are attempting to infiltrate the zone of dominant operation which has been established by Super Alone Guy and his friends and allies who have come to defend him. A select few of the chosen and worthy are allowed into the zone of dominant operation, but many of the superheroes are, unfortunately, turned away (occasionally because of the Awkward Hopeful Romantic Missiles that some of the superheroes choose to fire at both Super Hot Girl and Super Hot Friend Girl -- I'm looking at you, Super Northwestern Guy). Others are turned away because they fight on the evil side and can not be allowed into the inner circle of the good superheroes for obvious reasons.

It is of course academic now when I tell you that Good triumphed over Evil that night, my friends. But some stories simply must be told. Lesson learned: Super Alone Guy knows what he is doing.

I feel also that I should tell you that the "Super Alone Guy" story is only the first installment of stories about my numerous superhero experiences. In that vain, here are Super Alone Guy's essential stats and descriptors:

Distinguishing Features: Complete lack of friends or allies available to defend zone of operation, classic elbow-lean-against-the-bar pose, disinterested facial expression

Major Strengths: Possesses the ability to make witty and endearing comments to other superheroes at the precisely correct moment which he follows with an intense brush-off at an even more crucial moment; usually has friends and allies on the way to help defend zone of operation (not to be confused with Super Pathetic Guy, who doesn't); possesses the superpower of preferring to be alone in ambiguous friendship situations

Major Weaknesses: Can at times succumb to paranoia; is apt to appear clingy and in desperate need of companionship

Major Allies: Any and all members of the good side, but especially Super Cool Bartender Guy and Super Hot Waitress Girl

Major Enemies: Evil superheroes who believe that the evil side is really the good side

Motto: "How's it going," (indifferent, condescending tone).

Super Alone Guy.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Fucking Tragic


I guarantee you that at one point, while in the bathroom cleaning herself off, she or her lady friend said "Dude. How sweet would it be if this was coke."

(you don't have to watch the whole video. You can stop it after the awesome part)

OK. And now I have found Samantha Ronson's blog posting about the "incident." Here it is (I will share my feelings about this after her blog posting):

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Flour Power

I posted a blog last week that angered some people who didn't know how to read properly, I then wasted my own time defending myself and now I regret that.

There is a fine line that distinguishes the difference between exercising our freedom of expression and offending others, for example the debate regarding freedom of speech vs. hate speech.... i feel that this principle should apply to
protestors also. It's a pity that some groups feel the need to assault people as opposed to fighting with words.

Whenever I feel the need to vent about something that feels unfair to me I reach for my computer, I don't run out of the house with abusive intentions. I don't expect everyone to react the same way, but I do expect people to respect each other. Maybe that's my first mistake? It seems lately I am learning that there are too many people who put another species before their fellow man and that's sad. I don't wear fur, but I don't think I have the right to ATTACK those who do. No one has that right.

PETA should focus their efforts on educating people on what they believe are injustices instead of seeking press via harassing those in the limelight. I received an apology too many days late from the PETA folks (the blog removal was too little too late) and today I'm pissed at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last night. Not because I got powdered down, but because the girl who threw it acted like an animal herself. I take that back, it's an insult to animals to group her in with them, my dog is FAR more civilized than that person. I would have more respect for them if they didn't use other people to get their point across. Lindsay, Mary Kate, Ashley Olsen, Anna Wintour and the rest of the targeted celebrities aren't the problem, I'm pretty sure they're not the only ones wearing fur, in fact, they should be appreciated by PETA for giving them a target. If it weren't for them, who would get them press?????

I know I'm probably going to get a lot of angry emails in response, but I don't really care. I got enough last week for no reason so I'm more than happy to ignore the nastiness after seeing what I saw last night. I'm not about to throw on a fur coat in retaliation, but had I had one within reach, I'm not sure I would have walked away from it.

p.s. when was the last time you saw an animal attack one of its own in defense of a human? hmmmmm..... that's one to grow on!

p.s.s. i think there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal. nice job, lady.

Alright listen bitch. Shut the fuck up because you are a fucking idiot. I don't like it when morons like you think that they are intelligent and then spread their "shit-telligence" (new word: you heard it here first) around so that other morons think that they, too, are intelligent because they think that your shit-telligence validates their shit-telligence. If you really had any sense to you you would realize that you were an idiot and an obstacle and you would simply go away and allow the rest of us to move forward.

First of all, "there are too many people who put another species before their fellow man"? Bitch, she didn't get shot at. She got some flour thrown at her. And I don't really give a shit about fur (although I love my dog and would beat someone up for her if I needed to, no questions asked), but, your girlfriend was wearing an animal's skin. Just because you are human doesn't mean that you are allowed to skin animals for pleasure. Give me a fucking break. Not that I really give a shit about fur, but seriously...Lohan got some flour thrown on her. The animal had its skin removed. Cry me a fucking river, moron.

Second, "[Celebrities] should be appreciated by PETA for giving them a target." Are you serious? I kind of thought you were joking at first, but then I started to think that you weren't smart enough to make a joke like that. I think you are actually serious. I think that this is a conversation that you have with your stupid friends. How about: you should be appreciative of the fact that idiots like you are allowed to continue on in your infinite moronitudity because the number of morons in this world far outnumber the intelligentsia. Seriously, isn't there anyone in California who can call this bitch out.

Third, "When was the last time you saw an animal attack one of its own in defense of a human?" First thing: all the time. For example, my dog actually does this all of the fucking time, and so do most peoples' dogs (dogs, FYI, are animals). Second thing: I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but humans have actually for a long time now had much greater mental capabilities than animals. Animals can't really comprehend social issues in the same way that humans can. Are you seriously saying, "Hey, as soon as animals smarten up and start behaving like mature and responsible adults, I'll start respecting them a little bit more." Hey. Stupid. Over here. Yeah. It's called "brain function." And it's called "the thing that separates the humans from the other animals." Do you think that animals are behaving that way because they are "just being jerks," or something? They are animals, you fucking moron. They aren't really capable of doing a whole lot of thinking. They are interested in food, water, treats, and belly rubs. That's about it. They don't really think much about social issues. I can't even believe how stupid you are right now.

Two small things: It's P.P.S., not P.S.S. P.S. stands for "post-script," and P.P.S. stands for, I assume, "post post-script." Also, I'm not so sure that doling out spoons and having your starving family dig in to a nice bag of flour would do much to combat the hunger. As a matter of fact, I don't think you could even eat more than a spoonful or two before your mouth became too dry and chalky to eat anymore. I ate a spoonful of (I think it was) nutmeg once (you know who you are) and let me tell you: eating powdery cooking ingredients will not provide you with your daily sustenance.


Learn to swim, bitch.

p.s. my spell-check tells me that it's protesters, not protestors.


Friday, November 14, 2008

George Brett, Hall of Famer

Special thanks to Matt Z for finding this again. This is the infamous George Brett "I shit my pants last night" video.

The last line is the best one.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Words of Wisdom

"My wife reminded me that, hey, as president of the United States, be careful what you say."

-George W. Bush, legendary moron

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Another blog.

I have started another blog on which I will be publishing (God willing) bits of a story that I am thinking about writing. As it stands right now, the story is not going to be published in any sort of order, as there really is none yet. But you can read what I publish on the blog if you would like.

I am not publishing any of the content from the new blog on this one because I feel that the somewhat sensitive content of the story might make some people (namely people that I don't know, or people who don't know me) squeamish. The new blog is set up so that you must be invited to read it if you wish to do so. Being invited into the blog is the only way you can read it. I have built a wall around it.

If you would like to read the blog, let me know by leaving a comment on this post, e-mailing me, or getting in touch with me in some way. I will invite you to read it if I do not think you are dumb-assedly inclined. The readers of this blog (all four of you) -- the one that you are reading right now -- will be fine to read the other blog if they would like. They just have to tell me that they want to read it and I will give the old online invite to you.

If I don't already have it you will need to give me an e-mail address that I can "invite." I probably have most of your addresses.

The link to the new blog is here.

Literacy Prevails

I have to give Kurt Cobain credit for that quote.

I must admit that I am moving a little bit slowly today; in my (perhaps slightly overzealous) celebration of the Obama victory last night, I got into some whiskey.

Literacy prevails!

Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

It's All Over Now, Baby Blue!

My intention is that you watch the video and play the song simultaneously, smiling...


Landslide - Smashing Pumpkins

Get This Geriatric Maverick Ass-Clown Out of My Fucking Face

And as for your running mate: Shoo, shoo. The grown-ups are trying to have a conversation and we are using big words. Go sit in your room and look out the window at the Russians, you pathetic excuse for human intelligence. Shoo.

Monday, November 3, 2008


Madelyn Dunham, Barack Obama's grandmother, died today, just one day before the election. I'm not going to claim to be an expert on Barack Obama's childhood, but from what I know it could be argued that Dunham contributed to the raising and shaping of Barack Obama as much as or perhaps more than any other person on the face of this earth. Sad story.

The only reason I am linking to Gawker as opposed to a (much) more credible news source is because Gawker's story is a bit more personal than those on CNN or the Chicago Tribune at the moment.

Theme Music for an Election

Tuesday night's election is going to be like one of those end-of-college parties during which you get compltetely wasted and have the best time ever with your old friends, but in a melancholy way because you all know that at the end of the night you will be saying goodbye to each other. After Tuesday night's going away party, our old friends George W. Bush and Dick Cheney will no longer be parts of our every day lives, and neither will the Clintons. Sarah Palin will either fade into relative obscurity or take over the world. John McCain will either fade into relative obscurity or be Sarah Palin's right-hand man in her Kingdom of Dumb-Assitudedness. And Barack Obama will hopefully (please, God) be elected as our President.

And so, for really no reason, I present to you the theme songs for each of these figures on their respective Election nights (Tuesday!), sponsored in part by Guns N' Roses (pre-shitty era). Listed below.

I imagine our friends, The Politicians, making each of their individual ways through what I can only assume to be the chaos and havoc of Tuesday night's election, with these specially selected songs playing through their heads. Hopefully this will help us to say goodbye to our friends, The Politicians.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Theme Music For an Election: George W. Bush


How do you say goodbye to someone you wish you had never met?

Estranged (Live) - Guns N Roses

Theme Music for an Election: Dick

"Live and Let Die."

Because he is a dick. See you later, ass-wipe.

Live and Let Die - Guns N Roses

Theme Music for an Election: John McCain

"November Rain."

Because McCain will hopefully be in a melancholy mood on Tuesday night. And since it's November, and all.

November rain - Guns n roses

Theme Music for an Election: Sarah Palin

"You're Crazy."

Because she is fucking crazy.

Youre Crazy - Guns N Roses

Theme Music for an Election: Hilary Clinton

"Don't Cry (Original)"

Sincerely. You truly helped to energize both the Democratic Party and the 2008 election as a whole.

Dont Cry - Guns N Roses

Theme Music for an Election: Bill Clinton

Because I imagine that he will on Tuesday night be thinking about playing this love song and whispering sweet nothings into the ear of that special lady in his life (hint: she is not his wife).

Patience - GnR

Theme Music For an Election: Barack Obama


Yesterday's got nothing for me.

This is the song that I will be blaring and singing along with (shamelessly, if that is even possible) when and if John McCain finally delivers his concession speech on Tuesday night.

Okay. I think I am ready to say goodbye now. Goodbye friends.

Yesterdays - Guns N Roses

Oh and obviously

Words of Wisdom

Elaine: "Is it possible that I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"

Jerry: "Anything's possible."

I am sick of hearing about this


They are talking about how the media is pulling a "whack job" on Sarah Palin, a character assassination, making her out as stupid and simple.

First of all, nice generalization.  I am sure that "the media," e.g., a group of hundreds of thousands of people with their own political orientations, had a conference during which they discussed the manner in which they would manipulate and ruin Sarah Palin's image and reputation.

Second (b): I hate to tell you this, Palin, but you might actually be just a little bit "funny."  As in dumb-assed

[pronounced dumm-ASS-edd.  It's like you are saying "dumb acid."  Use it to signify stupidity in people or ideas, e.g., some people would describe George W. Bush as somewhat dumb-assed.  Possible variants include the phrase "dumb-assedly inclined."  i.e., Some people might say that George W. Bush is somewhat dumb-assedly inclined].

I don't think that it is so much of a character assassination as it is a natural predatory movement on easy prey.  Easy because you are stupid.  You arbs a-toopid.

Seriously, why don't you cry about it, Saddlebags.

I also keep hearing Palin herself say that she has received "unfair criticism."  Unfair criticism.  What the hell is that.  There is no such thing as unfair criticism.  When you are criticized, it means that someone thinks you are wrong, bad, or stupid (etc.).  There is no fairness or unfairness about it; a criticism is an opinion.  What, is it unfair that some people disagree with you?  That is the fucking dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I imagine that Palin might argue that her treatment has been sexist (I believe I have heard some underground rumblings about this from her before).  That is a joke.  Your ideas are dumb-assed in their nature.  No respectable person has an opinion of you that is based upon your gender.  Sexism, no.  Smartism, yes.

Dumb ass.  Moronitudity.


Friday, October 31, 2008

Words of Wisdom

"Let me tell you a little something I've learned about women: They want you to come get them. They love it."

-Garth Algar

Most bizarre dream ever

First of all and slightly irrelevant there was an entirely different cable setting that you could switch over to. This setting consisted of five channels, and they were all of the NBC networks. NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, etc. I was fascinated by this in the dream.

As I was flipping, the theme song for The Golden Girls started to play on one of the channels. Only it wasn't The Golden Girls...well it was, kind of...What it was was basically a Home Shopping Network type of show in which Rose from the Golden Girls was being interviewed and trying to sell hair dye. Her hair had been dyed red; it was that awful red that some elderly women color their hair with which is quite clearly an inhuman color. Purplish. Beside her was her dog. It was a small and furry dog. It had also been dyed this inhuman purplish red. The product that Rose was selling was a dye that worked on both humans and dogs. Rose even said something along the lines of, "He didn't really mind, except that we had to put the spoon in his coat." She was talking about dying her dog. Cut to a different shot, this one farther back. In the shot we can see Rose, her purplish dog, and her interviewer. Rose is now an elephant -- or perhaps the correct term would be woolly mammoth, as her entire elephant body is covered with inhuman purplish animal fur. Like her dog. Only she has an elephant snout. Wake up.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

It's America!

Not Amurica. Pronunciation!

K well but so...off to early-vote your circus-act ass off of the radar!

Monday, October 27, 2008


Killing a child.

Child killer, know only that the venom that awaits you in this world and the next is far stronger and more violently painful than the poison with which you have infected this world. The blackness that will take you is eternal.

One day a real rain will come.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

I am not afraid

I am not afraid
I am not afraid
Nothing touches me
I am a walking razor blade

In My World - Anthrax

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Do It.

Seventh Circle, Round Two. Do It. Here is to hoping that that six-pack is for courage.

And since I got that picture off of Dlisted, here is a video that I saw on Dlisted today. It is hilarious; it gets funnier every time you watch it.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Rock Has-Been Spends 15 Years, Millions of Dollars on Music That Everybody Knew Was Going to Blow; Finally Releases Single; Single Blows

Big surprise: Axl Rose is a douche bag.

For the last fifteen years (fifteen years, or whatever. Something like that) Axl Rose has been working on a new "Guns 'N' Roses" album. I put quotation marks around Guns 'N' Roses because Axl is the only member of the original group who remains in the band or has contributed to this new album in any way; Axl simply owns the rights to the group's name and so can attach it to whatever musical project he undertakes. From what I understand, the "new" G'N'R is basically Axl on lead vocals, some loser with a bucket of KFC on his head playing guitar, and a bunch of other loser studio musicians. Instead of calling themselves G'N'R, they should just call themselves K'F'C. Or, since the band is sometimes referred to as "Guns and Fucking Roses (G'N'F'N'R)," how about K'N'F'N'C. Or K'M'F'F'C: Kentucky Mother Fuckin' Fried Chicken. Regardless, these guys are clowns and Axl is the sad clown that all of the happy clowns make fun of. Or, that clown named Cookie from the Bozo show who was an alcoholic (I think he died of alcoholism. R.I.P. Cookie, you eerie hungover bastard).

The point is that Alkie the Clown took fifteen years (or whatever) to make and release this album because he knew that it was shit and he knew that he was shit. I am assuming he was afraid of the inevitable embarrassment that comes with being exposed as a has-been loser. And what do you know: the first single is a pile of audio bullshit and Axl Rose turned out to be just as big a joke as we thought he would be. A lot of us did, anyway.

Don't get me wrong: I love the original Guns 'N' Roses. Seriously, probably top ten of all time. I'm not even going to go over that with you because I think that it is self explanatory. Seriously, original G'N'R kicks ass. Patience, Welcome To the Jungle, Paradise City, Rocket Queen, Estranged, Dead Horse...fantastic. Love them and listen to them often.

But seriously, this guy is an ass clown. I think Axl lost me when he made a video that was supposed to be all "artistic" for some old school G'N'R song and decided to run his bare ass across the screen at the end of the video. Hey Axl: you know what's not real rock and roll (or intelligent)? Trying to make an artistic statement with your ass.

Dip-shit, you should have just gone home in 1992 after everybody else did.

In closing I would like to share with you a story that to me illustrates perfectly Axl Rose's dick-headedness and Kurt Cobain's genius sense of humor.

Apparently, Axl represented to Kurt the sort of ridiculous old-school rock and roll ego that Kurt had basically made his mission to tear down by the time Nirvana had exploded in popular culture (and for obvious reasons. Off the top of my head I'm just thinking about Axl being a huge douche bag). Well, not long after Nirvana released Nevermind and basically became the biggest rock band in the world, Kurt, with wife Courtney at his side, ran into Axl backstage at the 1992 (I think it was 1992) MTV Video Music Awards, or whatever that shit show is called. I guess there was already some bad blood between the two camps, because Courtney said something sarcastic to the crowd backstage about Axl, which Axl didn't really appreciate. The following hilarity ensued (and fuck you, Tucker Max -- you are a loser, too. You don't get to own that phrase):

(Conversation paraphrased)
"Cobain, you better shut your bitch up!"

Cobain first looks to Courtney, unsure of his response to Axl's attempt at establishing some sort of meat-head hierarchy. Next he lays his eyes on Axl, the corners of his lips beginning to curl up the sides of his reddening cheeks. Kurt finally looks back to Courtney, wide-eyed, knowing what he will say:

"Shut up, bitch!"

And that was when Kurt Cobain destroyed Axl Rose's career.

Here is the new crap if you feel like dumbing yourself down.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Kenny In the Wintertime, First Installment: The Starting Line-up

With all apologies to Caroline, I am going to take a look at where the White Sox stand as far as player personnel goes right now. I'm going to try to simplify this as much as I can, because otherwise this post is going to be REALLY long. I'm going to talk only about the starting line-up right now; the bench guys and the pitchers will have to wait for another time.

OK. Here is our starting line-up as it stands right now. This line-up includes Carlos Quentin (who is injured but will be back for next year). It also includes Orlando Cabrera (who won't be) and Paul Konerko, Jim Thome, Jermaine Dye, and Ken Griffey, Jr. (at least one of whom will not be back):

1. Orlando Cabrera, SS
2. A.J. Pierzynski, C
3. Carlos Quentin, LF
4. Jermaine Dye, RF
5. Jim Thome, DH
6. Paul Konerko, 1B
7. Ken Griffey Jr., CF
8. Alexei Ramirez, 2B
9. Juan Uribe, 3B

Here is our bench. This includes minor league players who have a legitimate shot at making the club next year. It also includes third baseman Joe Crede, who is a total question mark:

Joe Crede, 3B
Toby Hall, C
Nick Swisher, OF/1B
Brian Anderson, CF/OF
Dewayne Wise, OF
Josh Fields, 3B
Jerry Owens, CF/OF
Chris Getz, 2B

And now for the question marks about the position players:

1. Orlando Cabrera is a free agent, and there is no way he is coming back. Although he is solid offensively and defensively, he is unpopular in the clubhouse and has all but said that he can't wait to get out of Chicago. That leaves us with an open spot at starting shortstop.

2. Our 4-7 hitters (Dye, Thome, Konerko, Griffey Jr.)are the slowest base runners on the face of the planet. While they make up an extremely powerful quartet, the fact that they are aging and basically totally slowing down the entire offense (maybe even costing us run production, in the long run) means that Kenny is going to try to break that up. He will make at least one (if not two or three) moves in order to do so. Here is what I think he might do:

2a. Griffey Jr. is as good as gone. I think he is either a free agent or the team might have an option on him. But he is simply the easiest guy to let go, both because we have a glut of much faster replacements ready to go and because the fans didn't have time to get all that attached to him.

2b. Kenny will probably examine trading Konerko. Konerko had a big-time off year, but he came on strong at the end, he's got enough clout in the majors to still have some decent value, and he's probably got some good years left in him. At least a few teams will want him, and he'd be much easier to move than boulder Jim Thome (see below). Dye has themost trade value among the three, but I don't see Kenny moving him because he is still so productive. See below for the info on those guys.

2c. Thome will probably hit 35 homers next year and hit about .250. I bet that Kenny would like to move him more than anyone (so that he could keep Konerko and put him at DH), but I doubt many teams would want him. I'm expecting him back next year.

2d. Even though Dye has the most trade value among these four, I don't see Kenny moving him. He is the most consistently productive hitter on the team, and he still plays a good right field.

3. Joe Crede. Great player and fan favorite, but he has refused to undergo team-recommended back surgery for the last few years, and it has basically cost him a couple of seasons now. Add that to the fact that his agent is Scott Boras (with whom the Sox generally don't negotiate), and... HE GONE. I hate to say it, but I think it is true.

4. Nick Swisher. Kenny acquired him for some decent talent last off-season, and he came to town carrying a lot of hype. He ended up being a fantastic clubhouse guy and a major disappointment on the field. At the end of the year he lost his starting job and, with the emergence of Quentin this year, there might not be a spot for him unless he comes off of the bench.

The two biggest things that Swisher has going for him right now are the fact that he's got a pretty decent track record (except for this year) and Kenny himself: General Managers generally like to give the guys that they gave up a lot to get plenty of chances to prove that he was right to acquire him in the first place. It doesn't sound like much, but I think that in this case it is.

So, here is kind of what our starting line-up looks like after taking all of this into account:

1. OPEN (SS)
2. A.J. Pierzynski, C
3. Carlos Quentin, LF
4. Jermaine Dye, RF
5. Jim Thome, DH
6. Paul Konerko, 1B
7. OPEN (CF)
8. Alexei Ramirez, 2B
9. Juan Uribe, 3B


Both Ramirez and Uribe are natural shortstops. Look for Ramirez to make a permanent move over to starting shortstop and for Uribe to move over to starting at second or playing off the bench or for another team. This is where Chris Getz comes into play: a lot of people are saying that he's got a legitimate shot at starting at second next year. That basically leaves us with a competition at second base between two pretty good players and a hole at third base.

As far as centerfield goes, I personally believe that it is time to stick Brian Anderson in there and stay with him. The guy is a great defender and has showed that he's got enough with the bat to get by in the majors. The only problem is, he is not a lead-off hitter. So, here is what the line-up looks like after all of that is taken into consideration:

1. OPEN (3B)
2. Pierzynski, C
3. Quentin, LF
4. Dye, RF
5. Thome, DH
6. Konerko, 1B
7. Ramirez, SS
8. Anderson, CF
9. Uribe/Getz, 2B

That means that one of two things has to happen: either we trade for a third baseman who can hit lead-off (Chone Figgins of the Angels, whom Kenny has long coveted, is the ONLY guy that I can think of that can do this) or we trade one or more of our other starting position players (and maybe a back-line pitcher or two) and basically mix and match until we fill our needs of lead-off hitter, third baseman, and whatever holes pop up after we have made that deal.

Personally, I want Chone Figgins. The only problem is...How do we get him?

I will have to write about this some more next time (as well as the bench and the pitchers), but this is getting really long and I am starting to realize why Caroline doesn't want to read this blog anymore. Until the second installment...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Pop Singer Releases Anti-Objectification Song, Objectifies Self

Britney Spears just released this video for her new song "Womanizer." I am assuming that this song is supposed to be Britney's attempt at social commentary; I guess I can't say for sure, though, since I haven't looked at the lyrics and don't plan on doing so. But I think it's safe to say that Britney is trying to say something about the way that (some) men treat women -- namely that these "womanizers" treat women as sexual objects, that they use them, that they lie, cheat, steal, and hurt their way into their pants. In a nutshell, Britney seems to be trying to get our society to examine the way we view women, to stop objectifying women, and basically to respect women in general. It's a good thought.

To me, though, Britney's public service announcement (The More You Know) becomes somewhat clouded when Britney whores herself out in the video -- like, say, in the scenes where she is completely naked and all oiled up.

Look, I'm not trying to make some kind of Britney Spears-esque commentary on the way in which our society views and treats women. I'm just trying to point out someone's mind-boggling, brain-numbing idiocy and dumb-assedness. Seriously, can anyone actually be this dumb. You "write" a song in which you attempt to get people to stop sexually objectifying women, and then you, a woman, sexually objectify yourself in the video for that very song. I imagine taking an X-ray of your head and finding, instead of a brain, a stationary acorn, like they used to have in the cartoons I used to watch when I was a kid. Actually I don't know if they used to have that in those cartoons but for some reason that concept popped into my head when I was trying to think of how to describe your brain, so whatever.

Seriously. What a fucking moron. I honestly don't even think that their is an insult that cuts deeply enough to describe how hilariously dumb this girl seems to be to me. I feel like an exclamation point might sort of add to the intensity of the point that I am trying to make, so here it is: !

Side note: The term "womanizing" is degrading to women, if you think about it.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Great. Depression.

George W. Bush inherited the biggest surplus this country has ever had (in the fucking trillions, I think) from President Bill Clinton when he took office in January, 2001. And with crafty handiwork, shrewd and innovative thinking, and unprecedented foresight, W. was able to dip into his infinite well of economic expertise and come up with this.

Job well done, George [stands and applauds]. Job well done. I really hope that the current crisis doesn't effect your friends' and family's warehouse full of jillions of dollars in oil money. Fuck you, you rich, elitist prick. We ought to take all of that oil money that you and your self-important, blood-thirsty, money-hungry, selfish prick friends and family have stored up right out from underneath you and spread it around America. That way, the comparitively few of you shit-heads would be the ones suffering through poverty while people like me wouldn't have to stress out about how the hell I'm going to find something to eat every day. The greater good, right? Fuck you.

Make my first check out out for about $25,000, asshole. I'm waiting.

Happy Birthday John Lennon

John Lennon was born on this day (October 9) in 1940. Lennon of course was a founding member of The Beatles (the founder, depending on who you ask [me]) and wrote some of the most popular and, in my opinion, best music of the Twentieth Century. A few of my favorite Lennon songs written for The Beatles are "A Day In the Life," "Strawberry Fields Forever," "Ticket to Ride," "I Feel Fine," "Don't Let Me Down," "Happiness is a Warm Gun," "Yer Blues," "Girl," "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away," "Across the Universe (Anthology version), and "In My Life." He put out some good solo music, too: "Imagine," of course, "Jealous Guy," and "Mother," which is perhaps the most painfully emotional song ever written; during the chorus, Lennon sings "Mommy don't die, daddy come home."

In my opinion, Lennon was the first "rock star," at least in terms of how we define "rock stars" today. Sure, there was Elvis before Lennon. But, as I see it, Lennon was the first rock star who ingested ridiculous amounts of all kinds of drugs: first there were "Bennys," (something like speed) which the band used to take during their early, early years while they lived and performed in Germany. Next, there was pot -- and we can all thank Mr. Bob Dylan for introducing Lennon and the rest of The Beatles (and quite possibly America as a whole. If you think about it, The Beatles, in a very underground way, sort of popularized pot and other drugs just because they took them, and because they were so famous) to that. After pot came the accidental acid trip (Lennon, along with fellow Beatle George Harrison, were dosed by a dentist at a dinner party. The two -- and their wives -- had no idea what was going on, or why they had begun to see massive walls of fire, etc.) that led to...well, let's just say a LOT of subsequent acid trips. And after that, it was pretty much...whatever was around. Oh, and don't forget his horrible heroin addiction. He rode that one out for a while, too.

Well, I really got a little carried away with the drugs there (as tends to happen, especially with my heroin. God, I love heroin). But I had other things to say about Lennon being the first real "rock star." In a nutshell, he was the first super-mega famous rock star to enthusiastically rebel as hard as he could against the establishment...yeah, blah, whatever.

All that I really wanted to say was this:

Lennon has been one of my biggest heroes since I was about thirteen or fourteen years old. He was murdered on December 8, 1980 by some psychopath who thought that he was Holden Caulfield. Dude was holding a copy of The Catcher in the Rye after he shot Lennon, watching him die outside of the Dakota apartment in New York City, just waiting for the police to come and take him away.

Here is a song that Lennon wrote that you might not have heard before. It's off of the second Anthology, and it's always been one of my favorites. It's called "Yes It Is." I don't think many people know it.

And here is another of my favorites, "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." The clip is from the movie "Help."

Here is an acoustic demo of "Strawberry Fields Forever."

Here is "Happiness is a Warm Gun."

And finally, here is a song that not many people know, because the band only put it out as a B-side (I think it was the B-side for "The Long and Winding Road," which was the bands last original release. So in a way, it's kind of the last thing the Beatles ever put out. It's mostly a joke; it's basically The Beatles fucking around in the studio...I'm assuming they were high. But it's a strangely great song.

Happy birthday John Lennon.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Kenny In the Wintertime

In a nutshell, this is a new feature on this blog that will completely revolve around White Sox General Manager Kenny Williams and what he does in order to build the White Sox' roster for the 2009 baseball season during the upcoming winter -- baseball's off-season. More specifically, I will focus on, analyze, interpret, criticize, praise, second guess, and offer (irrelevant) suggestions about what Kenny Williams should do, what he does, what he doesn't do, what he thinks about doing, and what he should think about doing. I am hoping that you (all four of you that read this) will chime in a lot, too. The bottom line, though, is that this is basically going to be a White Sox/Kenny Williams soap opera, which is why I gave it a soap opera name: "Kenny In the Wintertime."

I thought it might be fun if we followed what the White Sox do during the off-season. What I have in mind is posting as regularly as I can stories about trade rumors, free agent rumors, and any other kinds of rumors that are going around about what White Sox general manager Kenny Williams is doing this winter. It will be cool, because we can all kind of talk about what's going on with the team, give our opinions about trades and free-agent signings, and talk about what we want the team to do (all four of us, that is). I would do the same thing for the Cubs, because I think that that would be fun, too. But I don't really feel like I know the team well enough to do that for the Cubs (DeWolf: nudge, nudge).
Most of the content in these posts will probably be articles form various media and/or blogs that I find, as well as my own writing from things I have heard on radio and TV. Sometimes I take a look at some MLB Trade Rumor websites, so I'm sure that I will get a lot of stuff from there. Just Google "MLB trade rumors" and you will find those sites.

The last thing I'll say before I start it up is that I think it will be a lot more fun if you (all four of you) chime in on here about what you think. Even though I know that no one will, and this will once again be exclusively a way to entertain myself.

What I have in mind is actually a huge project, and it will probably take some time before I even get past the first phase of this. That's OK, though, because baseball teams can't really make any moves until the World Series is over, and that will be a while. A few weeks, I guess.

The first phase is basically the foundation-setting stage, and in it I will aim to give an idea of what kind of player personnel the Sox are made of right now. I will also be sort of analyzing the personnel here too. In addition I would like to provide a decent background about MLB players that might be available via trade or free agency.
After that I don't really know what I'm going to do, but whatever. Sometimes I don't think ahead. I guess I'll just talk about the rumors that come up.

Here are the sites that I will probably be getting most of my information from:

Basically this is just a complex way for me to entertain myself.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Minnesota Twins: Shitbags

Am I the only one who noticed that Mark Buehrle just called the Twins "shitbags"? Seriously, I was just watching the news (I would have been in bed but I am staying up to watch Letterman rip McCain a new one) and they were doing the White Sox highlights (lowlights). The newsman was interviewing Beuhrle, who had just pitched a great game (three earned runs in seven innings...and one of those runs was bullshit), and Beuhrle said something like (praphrasing):

"Ozzie likes to call them pirahnas. I like to call them shitbags because they're so annoying when they get on base."


On a different and much more important note, I have something to say to the White Sox:

Pull it together. It wasn't very long ago that you were all dousing each other with champagne and celebrating a World Series championship. You don't get chances like this every year. You should know that better than anyone else. I've had enough of this. Let's go.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Top Five Week: #1

Audrina Patridge.

I know that this will make you all want to yell at me because you think that I am kidding myself about this quality, but I don't care. Because I am OBSESSED. Hottest girl ever. I don't know whether or not she has "the quality," but seeing as how I am obsessed with her, I'm going to guess that she does. She's got the quality.

This girl destroys me with the quality so much that I think that if I ever saw her in real life I would just run away, overwhelmed. It's too bad that I'll never, ever meet her. Unless, Audrina, you see this and you want to get in touch. If I run away the first time, it's only out of love. Well, seeing as how I'm sure you are super-flattered by being named the girl that some dude with a blog thinks is hotter than any other girl, Audrina (and not to mention intrigued), I await your e-mail.

She's got the quality.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Top Five Week:#2

Jessica Simpson.

With this pick, it's tough for me to argue that this "unidentifiable quality" that I like is not boobs. DeWolf has already doubted me (see previous post) and said I am only kidding myself when I say that. All that I can tell you is that I really, really don't think that that is what it is (although, as I'm sure any of you who have ever been around me can attest to, I don't think it hurts, either).

It's some kind of sweetness -- a specific kind -- that these girls make me believe that they have, or that they might eventually attain. I don't know if they are doing it on purpose or not. In most cases they probably aren't. There is just something in their respective appearances (and the appearances of girls that I have known in real life) that triggers this response in me. Usually they don't actually have it (actually I can't think of a single girl I've met who has actually proven to have this quality after I have gotten to know them. I guess at least one girl I know has the potential, but who knows. Maybe it doesn't even exist). It's a misleading aura.

Think about all the girls that I have really, really liked in my life...a sort of "Top Five" of girls that more or less destroyed me over significant periods of time. All of these girls have had the quality, yet less than half of them were built like Jessica Simpson. So I don't think it's boobs.

It would be nice if I could figure out what it was, though. Because then I think I would be able to realize when I am falling for a girl simply because she APPEARS to have that quality, even when she really doesn't. Maybe I could even seek it out and find a girl who has it before she bewitches me with it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Top Five Week: #3

Scarlett Johansson.

Even though I pretty much hate the world right now, I will tell you that it's obvious to me (now that I have realized it) that there is this one specific and yet-to-be-identified quality that I am especially attracted to. I can see it in Reese Witherspoon, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, and Scarlett Johansson. I just don't know what it is. Thoughts?

Well, I'm off to my anger, unhappiness, and hopelessness again. Peace out.

p.s. the quality is not boobs. Hell, maybe it is, I don't know. But I don't think that's it. I don't think that it is a physical thing at all.
I do however enjoy them immensely.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Top Five Week: #4

Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Again, with the morals...or is it sweetness (or goodness, or whatever)? I don't know. And like I said earlier... it isn't important whether or not the girls on these list actually are really sweet and good. It's only important that this is the impression that they are giving to me based solely on their appearance (and I guess what I see of them in the media).

I didn't think that Top Five Week was going to be this deep. As a matter of fact, I thought that it would be an exercise in shallowness. But I might actually be learning something from it and surprising myself.
You've got to agree, though...There is some unidentifiable quality that Jamie-Lynn Sigler shares with Reese Witherspoon. At least there seems to be to me. Apparently.

Top Five Week: #5

Reese Witherspoon.

Reese has long been a favorite of mine. Now, of course she is gorgeous...but there are a lot of gorgeous women in Hollywood. But there is something about her southern-belle accent and her southern-belle morals (that's what I said...morals) that is really attractive to me.

To be honest, I just wrote out the official Top Five List that I will be releasing over the course of this week and was genuinely surprised that at least three of the girls on the list made the cut because there is something about their moral character that they seem to emote in pictures. And actually, now that I think about it...I think that all five of them share this undefined quality that seems to revolve around their morals. This must explain why I keep getting involved with whores and psycho hose-beasts in real life.

Oh, and being hot as hell doesn't hurt Reese, either. But like I said, there are a lot of hot girls in Hollywood. Reese and the other four girls on this list have simply attracted my attention with the elusive something about her factor*.

It is obvious that the girls on this list might not (and probably don't) have the moral character that I seem to be attracted to. But it exists in all of them in my imagination. So just suspend disbelief and see if you can understand what I am talking about as I reveal the ladies one-by-one throughout the week. See if you can spot a trend. If you do please fill me in because I am obviously clueless in this arena.

*Have I identified what the "something about her" factor is for me? And is it moral goodness (or at least the appearance of it? What? I was under the impression that I had a black and consuming [Despiser. Usurper. Devourer.] void of a soul. Not that I really wanted it to be that way. What the hell is going on? Am I having an epiphany? What? What is happening?

Friday, September 12, 2008

September 15-19 is Top Five week

I will be counting down my official top five beginning Monday. And if you think you know, you don't. Well, maybe you do, what the hell do I know.

Cheers to Bobby Thigpen

I don't have much time to write, but I want to pay tribute to a guy that was, during his playing days, one of my favorite White Sox players. Last night, Francisco Rodriguez tied one of the most elusive records in baseball: Bobby Thigpen's 57 saves in one season. Thigpen, the former closer of the Chicago White Sox, held the record for close to twenty years (like I said, I don't have time to do any research on the actual dates). Were it not for the record, Thigpen would have largely gone unremembered and, as Rodriguez will likely break the record any day now, he will most likely become simply another footnote on the history of baseball. If you are a baseball fan you should have a beer for Thigpen tonight, honoring a man who is about to be forgotten.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008


My apartment building is a pile of trash. It is old and rickety. It is ugly. It smells weird. It is either 120 degrees or 4 degrees. There was a pretty significant fire last year. And it is set in the middle of a bunch of fraternity houses. It's not a good place to live, but it works for what I am trying to accomplish right now.

This is my second year in the building, and up until now I haven't really had any problems with anyone else in the building. Everyone basically keeps to themselves in this building. We say hello, we knock on each others' doors if someone has left their headlights on, and we are, for the most part, respectful of each others' need for peace and quiet (with the one possible exception of the girl who used to live a couple of doors down. She used to have her friends over every weekend, blare music, get drunk, and hang out in the hallway at three in the morning. But she was cool, and I was hanging out with her for a lot of that anyway).

A new girl moved into the unit directly below me about a month ago. For the first few weeks I was treated to the craptastic bass lines and drum beats of her shitty rap music playing at ridiculously high levels. I would stomp on my floor (her ceiling) to tell her to shut the fuck up, and it almost never worked.

One day a few weeks ago, she came upstairs and knocked on my door, complaining that my floorboards were creaking. There is a certain spot in the middle of my apartment where the wood must be warped, because it creaks pretty loudly when you walk on it. The only way to avoid making this noise is by...basically not moving around in the apartment at all; i.e. not walking from one place to another. I apologized to her and let her know that I would try harder to keep quiet, and a few days later she showed up at my door again with some cupcakes that she had baked for me (they ruled).

Things seemed to be going pretty well neighborly-wise. I was trying to avoid the creaky floor boards as best I could, and she hadn't blared her music for a couple of weeks.

And then last night, as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready to go to bed, I cringed to hear the dumb-ass boov-boov and booch-booch of her stupid-people-music. I got pissed off pretty quickly; I am a fucking insomniac who has enough trouble sleeping as it is. I don't need some goddamn moron rapping about what a goddamn moron he is over a beat and a bassline which only a shit-for-brains would fall for blaring in my ear and making it even tougher to sleep.

But I decided that I would try to let it go for a while, as she lives here too and all of that bullshit. So I finished up getting ready for bed, popped a sleeping pill (I take one every night) and started reading my James Joyce biography in bed (I do this every night, too. And yes I am aware that this makes me a loser).

Well, the bitch wouldn't stop with the fucking music. Even after I stomped on the floor a few times. So, after about forty minutes of reading about Joyce and hallucinating because of the sleeping pill (it's supposed to knock you out after about fifteen minutes; I always stay up too long and it fucks with me) I decided to fight fire with fire. I got up and stumbled like a zombie (sleeping pill) out of my room and out into the main room of my apartment, banging into walls and dressers along the way. I fired up my CD player and reciever (external, big-ass speakers) and started pushing buttons. I discovered that I could mess with the bass level; it had been set at zero -- the minimum. I turned it up to ten -- the maximum (bass tones can fucking travel, as I'm sure you know). I also turned the overall volume up pretty loud -- so loud, in fact, that I worried that I would be pissing off my other neighbors whom had nothing to do with the bass-off. I realized though that the only unit that my apartment is actually connected to is this bass-bitch, as mine is the corner unit. Then I went over to my CD rack, wondering which bass-heavy albums I could pick out which this girl would hate and which would really annoy the fuck out of her. I have a five-disc CD player so I was able to make a few choices. I picked out two of my favorite albums (which were surprisingly pleasant to fall asleep to):

Tool: Undertow.

Down: Nola.

That was at about 12:45. It was fucking loud. Coins on my nightstand were vibrating.

I noticed at first that she turned her music up. She turned it off at about 1:10.

I noticed halfway through Undertow that I was drifting off during the few seconds of silence that lingers between each song, only to be dragged back to consciousness when each successive song began. Believe it or not, I can tell when I am falling asleep most of the time because (well, first, because it takes so long) I drift back and forth between sleeping and wakefulness and I realize that I am doing so and also by realizing that I am thinking about some crazy-ass things that don't make any sense. This is what was happening, and I was out before the vegetables started talking at the end of the album, and before Down even started.

I woke up at about three and the Stones were playing; I apparently had left my Hot Rocks CD in the player. That means that this chick beneath me had been drowning in some pretty loud and hard-core bass work for more than two hours. That made me happy, because I am sick of this chick and her shit music.

Don't make me bust out my Pantera tonight, bitch. And thanks for the fucking cupcakes.

Here is a small sample of the involuntary face-melting that she enjoyed last night:

Tool: Bottom, from Undertow

And then Down, Bury Me in Smoke (not Bury Me in a Smoke like the dipshit wrote), off of Nola: